*ok, so a little bit out of order but this is what happens when you write a blog post then forget to hit publish!
So last night, I sort of had a mini-freak out. Sort of.
Mums moving date is approaching, although we still can’t tie the solicitors down to an actual date, and this means the time had officially come to go through Dads stuff and begin donating as much as we possibly could to charity shops. I have to admit to being quite impressed with myself. I let more go than I thought I would and have only come home with a couple of things the vast majority of which is very practical and is stuff that I will use in my day to day life.
The rest went to charity. We only threw away 5 socks and that was only because we couldn’t find the matching pairs. I am not saying that everything is 100% perfect and that the charity will be able to sell them all, but they were my Dads clothes and I couldn’t bear to see them in the bin. In fact, the only t-shirt which was resigned to the bin, as it had a whole in the back of it, has been removed and is now safely nestled in with the rest of my PJs. I just couldn’t see his clothes thrown out.
Anyway, going through it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I mean there was an awful lot of tears, and at one point I felt sick to my stomach. But it is done, and the world keeps turning. As it seems to.
However, back to my little freak-out.
Dad had this really lovely, very stylish white shirt. It’s one that we all loved him in, but there was no way it would be of any use to my sister, my Mum or I. It was a button down the front, short sleeves, intentionally frayed t-shirt type shirt. (I feel I am not selling this particularly well, and this probably explains why I will never cut it as a fashion blogger!)
Anyway, we all looked at it and said it’s a shame we don’t know anyone it will fit. Then I thought, hang on a minute. I think it would fit S and it’s the sort of thing he would wear and look good in. So, without thinking I sent him a text asking if he wanted a new shirt.
He responded with “why?” and so I started writing a text to him explaining that Dad had a shirt, and I was giving him first refusal before we put it in a charity bag.
As I was writing the text I thought “this feels a bit weird”
His response was “isn’t that a bit weird?”
I have to admit it was. But I can’t for the life of me figure out why it felt quite so weird and we all know that when I can’t figure something out I start to worry.
My first concern was he would think this was some big romantic gesture. It wasn’t. Had he been in the room I would have said to him “do you want this” he would have said “no” and I would have thrown it into the charity bag and moved on to the next shirt.
Then I worried he was saying no as he felt it was some statement of where I thought this relationship would go. It wasn’t that either.
I think it probably had something to do with the fact it was my dead Dad’s shirt, a man he never met and I hate that. I hate that the fact my dead has affected things. Would it have been so weird if Dad was still alive? Or did it have nothing to do with Dads death and if he was still with us would it have still been weird in its own right?
I don’t know. All I know is I don’t like it.