The blog post I don’t want to write

Hi All,

Sorry to have been MIA for so long, I hope I didn’t worry any of you by suddenly going off the grid – it’s not been a good month and, well if I am being completely honest I have been putting off this post for so long… partly because I still don’t have the words, but also because to see those words in black and white… it’s not something I have wanted to see.

Dad died a month ago yesterday.

I still can’t believe it. I am acutely aware that I am still very much in denial about the whole thing. It happened so fast, too fast. I have a picture of him walking hand in hand with my mum which was taken less than 2 months ago and now he is dead. I can’t get my head around it. I don’t know where to start. I am afraid to start. I am worried I am going to fall apart and never be able to put myself back together again. So I tell everyone I am fine, keep myself busy with other stuff and bury it for another day.

The positive, if you look really hard you can find a positive. Is that S has been unbelievably awesome and supportive through it all. But like I said it is a very small positive, and I would trade his support in a heartbeat if it meant I could have my dad back.

My Dad fought it, he fought it so hard. There was a 24 hour period when he tried to get out of bed every fifteen minutes and it got to the point that I was having to physically restrain him, he was too weak to stand. Then early one morning he took a deep breath in and didn’t breath out.

The hospice he was in was amazing, the staff there and the support they showed us… well it means I can look back on those final days and find some happy memories, there was moments of laughter and joy –  well that was Dad! It’s just so unfair, he was a good man, he was the best. Everyone has said that about him – I know no-one deserves to die but he certainly didn’t. When we told people about the cancer their comments were “but he’s so good” oh I wish the fact he was a good man could have kept him safe.

Cancer is awful. I was once listening to a radio advert that came on about how one day no one will die from cancer and I smugly thought “well people need to die, no one can live forever” and while I still think that I don’t think anyone should go through what he went through at such a young age – he was only 54.

I will come back to blogging, when the words to blog come back…. But at the moment I am not sure when it will be.

Cancer has taken my Dad from me, it will not take my blog… but for the moment I need to spend some time working on me.

Speak soon, and until we do take care of yourselves.

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I hate having no one to get mad at

It’s not fair.

There I have finally said it.

Dad getting cancer is not fair.

The fact my life has been put on hold while my sister has gotten off scott free is not fair.

The fact that my family has been through more shit than most people is not fair.

The fact that I am not only dealing with a Dad dying, but also a Mum who is going to need a full time carer if the worst happens is not fair.

The fact that not only are we dealing with cancer, but it is terminal is not fair.

The fact Mum is also being looked at for heart failure is not fair.

The fact that the house they were being forced to move to due to their ailing health is now looking like a no go (due to the sellers solicitors being completely inept) is not fair.

The fact my life has changed forever, and will never be the same again is not fair.

The fact Dad has to go through all of this, and I am so utterly useless is not fair.

And the fact that I have no one to go off at about this all, really really is not fair.

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The best laid plans…

The plan was to keep him at arm’s length, to not let him in until he had let me in. Not open myself up fully until I could trust he wouldn’t hurt me… no surprises that it hasn’t happened quite as planned.

I am just back from an overnight trip with S, and I have to admit that getting him to myself for over 24 hours was pretty awesome. I laughed so much it hurt. I cried a little (but I am blaming that on two large glasses or wine, a conversation about exes and my period) and basically I have come back and am now counting down the moments until I can see him again, which FYI not even the slightest clue when that is going to be.

I like him.

I like that I am completely myself with him, that I feel more relaxed with him that I do with people I have known forever. I am not saying it, but I do feel (hope) that this could be something and I am inpatient for things to happen. I have reached the point where I would refer to him as my boyfriend.. OMG yes I am aware I sound about 3! However, (and this was part of the conversation which led to the tears) he still isn’t there. He still isn’t ready to let me in, and that’s tough.

He has a whole load of crap going on in his life right now, and between you and me I think he is having some sort of midlife crisis. It happens to us all at some point, of that I have no doubt, and his is happening now.

I’m not as freaked out about it all as I would have been once upon a time, more worried about the fact I can do nothing to help. If an overnight trip away doesn’t help he switch off, I am not sure what will. Actually that’s not true. I think I need to get him away from it all for a lot longer than one night. I am secretly dreaming of a week away together somewhere hot towards the end of the year. But as we are not getting carried away I am not going to actually suggest that.

Whilst away I told him that I think I am into him more than he is into me, and although he claimed the opposite I am not 100% convinced. But that is ok. I was totally myself with him, more than I have been than with anyone else and there was a moment while we were walking along the sea front, me wearing a silly hat singing a frozen medley at him and I realised this is a defining moment. Either he will have seen me for who I am and decided that he can’t “let me go” or else he’s going to head for the hills any day now.

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She stepped up… I think

Dad has been taken back into hospital, this has come as a complete surprise to me as for the last few days I genuinely thought he had turned a corner. He had started to get out of bed under his own motivation and he was slowly starting to eat more. Heck, he even cracked a joke when I went to see him last night.

His improvements had also freed me up to start thinking about spending some time back at mine. I had lined up carers, left them with a fridge full of food.. the plan was they survived 24 hours and then I would see them on Sat and my sister had even volunteered to move in this weekend and care for them. I had made plans for tonight and tomorrow I was looking forward to a night at mine vegging out and catching up on some TV shows which I love but my folks refuse to let me watch at theirs.

On hearing the news that Dad was going back into hospital my immediate thought was I need to cancel tonight and to be honest I was gutted. I have been trying to move home since Monday night but every time I go to leave something happens that just ends up making it easier to stay.

Mum assured me she would be fine, and I told her I would cancel if I needed to.

Then I get a message from my sister “we will move in from tonight!”

Brilliant, I thought. It means I can still do everything I need too, and it was nice to see her step up for once.

I went back saying “thanks, I would really appreciate that” since then I have heard nothing, and it has to make me wonder if her motivation is less to do with wanting to help Mum and Dad out, but more to do with keeping me away.

I know it shouldn’t matter, and to be honest if it gives me a night off without needing to worry about how my Mum is coping, then does the reason why she is doing it matter? It helps me out as I don’t have to cancel all the plans I had made for tonight, but the gut feeling that it has more to do about keeping me away has really unsettled me.

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“not doing very well with any of this at the moment”

I mean seriously what the hell kinda text is that to send someone? Any of what?

Of course this being me my initial thought process is me. I am the thing he can’t deal with. I suppose if he walks away the godsend is that this time he hasn’t fully let me in at any stages and has never proclaimed to have any great feelings… although he did argue that he was more into me than I am into him but I didn’t fully believe him.

If he walks away… fine… it is his loss.

But I just don’t get it. I have been so low key and unstressy, it has been great. We both got busy so we just stopped seeing each other and I thought we were both happy with that. I was happy.

Or is he not talking about me.

Is it something else that has him down and feeling a little blue? In which case why could that not have been put in the first email to save me the heartache and spending the next however long on tenterhooks until he replies. Which gets me onto another rant, don’t send something vague like that and then not send a follow up message… if you are going to be vague and down then for the love of God spend the next few minutes next to your phone so when a frantic reply is sent back you can at least put their minds at rest.

The biggest problem is I don’t know what to do to help him. I want to get him away from it all so he can have a weekend to relax. But even when we went away for a night he claimed he never fully relaxed and forgot about it. Plus he is soooo busy, I don’t want to push him too hard about spending time away from it all as I know he has deadlines and that has to be his focus and I don’t want him to think I am nagging him to spend time with me as I am not – that’s not my main focus. I wish I could make him see how short term all his stress and heavy work load will be in the scheme of things.

To be honest, with everything else that is going on, I doubt him walking away would affect things too much. Not really in the scheme of things. Maybe taking time apart wasn’t the right thing to do, maybe we should have kept meeting up, but with so much going on I didn’t need the additional stress of trying to fit him into it and I thought he felt the same.

I’ve tried to call a few times, but with me living at me folks (Short-term) I have had to fit it around their care needs and the few times I have tried to call he has fallen to sleep as it has gotten too late. Likewise I notice that he doesn’t call me. My assumption was that was because he knew I was busy and he was trying to not dump anything else on me.

I just don’t know.

The only thing I do know is that some clarification would be nice.

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