Sorry to have been MIA for so long, I hope I didn’t worry any of you by suddenly going off the grid – it’s not been a good month and, well if I am being completely honest I have been putting off this post for so long… partly because I still don’t have the words, but also because to see those words in black and white… it’s not something I have wanted to see.
Dad died a month ago yesterday.
I still can’t believe it. I am acutely aware that I am still very much in denial about the whole thing. It happened so fast, too fast. I have a picture of him walking hand in hand with my mum which was taken less than 2 months ago and now he is dead. I can’t get my head around it. I don’t know where to start. I am afraid to start. I am worried I am going to fall apart and never be able to put myself back together again. So I tell everyone I am fine, keep myself busy with other stuff and bury it for another day.
The positive, if you look really hard you can find a positive. Is that S has been unbelievably awesome and supportive through it all. But like I said it is a very small positive, and I would trade his support in a heartbeat if it meant I could have my dad back.
My Dad fought it, he fought it so hard. There was a 24 hour period when he tried to get out of bed every fifteen minutes and it got to the point that I was having to physically restrain him, he was too weak to stand. Then early one morning he took a deep breath in and didn’t breath out.
The hospice he was in was amazing, the staff there and the support they showed us… well it means I can look back on those final days and find some happy memories, there was moments of laughter and joy – well that was Dad! It’s just so unfair, he was a good man, he was the best. Everyone has said that about him – I know no-one deserves to die but he certainly didn’t. When we told people about the cancer their comments were “but he’s so good” oh I wish the fact he was a good man could have kept him safe.
Cancer is awful. I was once listening to a radio advert that came on about how one day no one will die from cancer and I smugly thought “well people need to die, no one can live forever” and while I still think that I don’t think anyone should go through what he went through at such a young age – he was only 54.
I will come back to blogging, when the words to blog come back…. But at the moment I am not sure when it will be.
Cancer has taken my Dad from me, it will not take my blog… but for the moment I need to spend some time working on me.
Speak soon, and until we do take care of yourselves.