Sometimes I can’t help but feel I’m my own worst enemy. We were invited to a wedding, well S was. He was asked to be best man this time last year. I can remember the exact moment he told me. We were on a date walking across a field, I’d gotten us completely lost and S hadn’t twigged this factor yet. Anyway, when he told me my first thought was “I wonder if I will get to go with him” and for the following 8 months I did that thing where I would nonchalantly ask about the wedding secretly hoping S would tell me I was going with him. Then we got the invite and I couldn’t contain my excitement and joy when it came with my name on it alongside his.
Sadly, since receiving the invite I have spent far too much time making this occasion into a much grander occasion than it was. I decided that, with a few drinks in him, and me dressed to impress at some point, mid drunken sway on the dance floor, S would look at me and tell me how much he loves me and how he couldn’t imagine his life without me. I didn’t want a proposal, but so sort if affirmation of his feelings would have been nice. But now the weddings over and he hasn’t looked at that way that I’ve spent months imagining he will. He didn’t even drink so the drunken cuddling and making out on the dance floor, wrapped up in ourselves and not caring who saw us, didn’t happen and, despite having a really lovely day, now that I’m at home taking off my make up and unzipping my dress I’ve spent a week or two dieting into to I can’t help but feel a little deflated.
When does it get to be my turn? Why doesn’t that little girl whose spent her whole life dreaming of being a bride and having her dad walk her down the isle get her one wish? I don’t think it’s a big wish. I didn’t ask for much in life. Heck as I get older I’m even open to the fact it doesn’t even have to be forever. I just want someone to look at me and think I’m worth it. I hate how much I want this. I should be quite happy living my life and if marriage and kids aren’t in my future then so be it, but when a wife and mother is the only thing you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember it’s not that easy. I loved today and it was so great witnessing two people start a life together but when does that get to be me?
Sometimes I can’t help but feel sorry for S. As much as I try I know he sometimes gets the rough end of the stick, and I find myself getting grumpy because he’ll do something that reminds me of my exes and suddenly the little voice says “don’t fall for this again… don’t be taken advantage of…”.
But the thing that gets me is that I seem to be the only one whose working on it and I can’t sometimes help but feel like I’m getting a rough ride because of the stuff S was put through and he doesn’t seem to be aware that we can’t let our exes into this relationship.
However, on the positive there are a whole heap of times when I am reminded that S isn’t in fact one of my exes. Take for example this moment right now. You may or may not have noticed but over the last few weeks I have been pushing out a couple of blog posts that I wrote over the summer, when I still needed to blog but with an old lap top and no time the posts got written but not published. However finally I am in a place where I have time to do some bulk uploading of posts, and once again there may be a little bit of procrastinatin in there as well, so I am cleaning out my blog email inbox and that includes publishing a load of draft posts.
I am currently doing this with S on the phone to me. He has had a bad day and so rang me to vent. I have done the supportive thing for a good half an hour and so now I am doing the busy, trying to be productive as I need to head out in a minute thing, while he sits in traffic listening to me type. Anyway, I was struggling to come up with a picture to go with the first half of this posts and so I asked S and he didn’t react. There was no kicking off about the tone, or the fact I was writing about him, or even that I am telling the internet and the world (although he is aware I don’t have that many readers!) about the fact I don’t think we have dealt with our exes. All he has done is come up with suggestions for a header image.
I know that from time to time I worry about the damage my ex has done to me, however I know that getting out of that relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me as it has allowed me to meet someone pretty great.
Spoiler alert, never did find a new header image so went with this old one instead.
It’s just gone midnight and it’s now officially Father’s Day, and it’s my first one without my Dad. Being honest I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing, I thought I’d be fine and I thought it would be hell. I thought the months of adverts would have numbed me to the day, I thought the fact I miss him all day, every day would mean that today wouldn’t be anything significant but now that it’s arrived I’m sat here in tears not sure what tomorrow will bring.
It shouldn’t have been like this, that’s the thing I still can’t get over. He was so young and strong. There was so much he deserved to see, future events he should be here for and it’s not just big events but smaller ones too. Tomorrow I’m cooking dinner for my grandparents and I should be setting a place for him as well. On the 24th June it will be one year since he died and I’ve had enough already, I want him back. All I can see in front of me are years and years without him in my life and I just wonder how I’m going to get through them, I’ve had enough of being strong and doing the right thing. I just want to sit down in one spot and throw a tantrum refusing to move until my dad is returned to me.
Today I went to one of those unity events in memory of Jo Cox and while there this young girl became upset and ran around screaming for her Daddy, when she spotted him she raced straight into his arms and suddenly everything was ok for her. I envied her so much, my Dad was my rock and always made everything better. He was my friend, my role model and I am honoured to be his daughter, I know if I can be half the person he was then I will leave this world a better place. He was amazing. He was my Dad and I want him back.
I’m worried that my idiot ex might have broken me, and ruined me for all future relationships. S is no good at dealing with stress, he’d like to think he is but between you and me, I don’t know if I’ve met anyone less able to deal with stress. He’s got a lot going on right now, and I’m trying to be understanding but every time he sees me he seems miserable and I’m really starting to worry its because of me.
In the past I became defensive when he was upset. Pointing out I wasn’t to blame for the situation. I know, it wasn’t the most compassionate thing I could have done, it was more a gut reaction to my past. I told him I’d try to stop and not get on the defensive, but now, when I try to ask and talk to him about it all I get is “I’m fine” or “it’ll be right”. He remains quiet and withdrawn and despite my best intentions as the night progresses I start to put a barrier up, I’ll give up trying to make conversation and last night I purposefully went to bed late as I just didn’t want to be around him.
I’m trying so hard and I feel like he isn’t. I know everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with and I know he has given up a lot to come and move closer to me but I don’t feel buying a house and stressing over that comes even close to the stuff I have going in – first Father’s Day without Dad, this weekend marks a year since his death and then in a few weeks it’ll be Dad’s birthday… and I’m struggling financially since I gave up work to become a full time carer.
Once upon a time I would have had a lot more compassion, maybe a lot more understanding but now a little bit of me wants to scream at him. I’m trying so hard to remain positive and up beat, to make an effort when I see him. I just wish he was doing the same.
Today I was watching TV and they were reviewing the papers and they discussed a study which has found that men are less likely to stay with a woman if she’s insecure. Apparently, if a man is insecure then his woman will stick by him, but if the tables are turned and the woman needs reassurance then she is unlikely to find it.
I will be honest my first thought was to worry, thanks to one too many heartbreaks and the bullying I endured all those years ago. But since this morning I’ve had time to think and actually I’m not going to. I am loving and loyal and a great catch, even if I do say so myself 😉 I deserve someone who will love me, flaws and all. I won’t settle for less. I’m not changing. I’m hoping over time with love and support my anxiety will become less, all it’s going to take is the right guy. We all deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants us as our worst as well as at our best.