Cleaning

I know today I owe you a blog post, but I am just soo tired. I have been pondering what to write all day.. I feel I have so much to tell you about and fill you in on but I just can’t think of anything. My mind is drawing a blank. I can’t help but feel it has something to do with the fact I am just warn out.

I stayed up stupidly late last night trying to clean the house (spoiler alert: I did some but not all of what I needed to do) and I lazed in this morning to make up for the stupidly late night, meaning I need to go to mine and pack (again) before heading to my folks for the weekend. The weather forecast seems varied so I have no idea what to pack and I am just so sick of the packing and unpacking. Also, it plays havoc with the housekeeping. I never seem to manage to get everything away before I pack again… I used to have a bedroom floor now there is a pile of clothes.

I hate it.

It makes me ashamed of my beautiful little house and also it stops me from having people round to visit as I don’t want them to see the mess.

I have managed to (just about) get a grip on downstairs. In fact I dusted and polished last night. I washed up after dinner and cleaned the bathroom. But then I caught up on my viewing of the 100 rather than hoovering or mopping the floors.

Upstairs got dusted and I even did all above the doors and wafted my duster at the corners of the room while shouting “spiders, you need to not live here” – not that I have spiders, but I like to warn them away anyway!

Mum and Dad had Poppy last night which helped massively. It means she didn’t get out but it did mean that I didn’t need to spend two of the hours I was at home playing with her. Not that I mind, but since Poppy has started chewing wallpaper I will no longer leave her in the lounge alone which means I either spend time with her or time cleaning the upstairs (another spoiler alert: time with her always wins!)

I have downloaded cleaning hacks until my inbox over runneth with them, I promise myself that “tomorrow I will change” on a daily basis.

My counselor said something would have to give or I would drive myself insane… but the state of the house seems to be doing that anyway.

I just wish there were a few more hours in the day.

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It’s not about you, you know?!

“It’s not about you, you know”

my sisters response to me telling her I felt that she had left me to deal with Dads cancer alone.

“It’s not about you, you know”

my sisters comment to my mother when my sister had to help her dress one morning. I wasn’t there, so don’t know the full background to why this was flung about at my mum, however I do know my mum didn’t tell me until there was at least 2 hours of motorway between us.

“I have to stop making this all about me” mums barbed attack at me when I got upset that my sister wasn’t pulling her weight and was yet again backing out after telling me she would help me caring with the folks.

To say things aren’t good is an understatement. I have just spent a week away with my family, and the fact I didn’t murder my sister.. well to be quite honest I deserve an award.

The problem is, that this week there was no where for her to hide, for the first time she saw Dad is all his agony. Although somehow she still managed to cherry pick the best bits and didn’t witness him crawling on all fours to the bedroom or respond to him calling out for anyone to help him when he was struggling in the shower. She slept when she was tired and left me to pick up the slack when she couldn’t be bothered.

In her defense her and her fella did do about half the work, but I did the other half.. the work load wasn’t split into thirds and the day we left to go away they didn’t even appear meaning I was left to pack my parents all by myself.

Things are bad, and I am struggling.

I can’t do right for trying. If I ask her for help I am “demanding she waits on me” but if she offers help and I refuse it I am being a “martyr”. I cannot do right for trying, and her solution to this… some time apart and so she wants to ban me from seeing my folks for 2 weeks a month.

I don’t really know what to do any more. I am in a position where I am walking on egg shells around her, terrified of saying or doing something which will set her off. It’s making something very difficult so much worse.

I worry about finding out stuff before her, I worry about telling her news. Somehow she has managed to take this and make it all about her – don’t worry the irony is not lost on me!

S, and a great number of my friends, are telling me I need to have it out with her. But I am too tired for another fight, and I don’t see the point. But I do know I can’t go on like this.

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Is it ok that I am so chilled?

People just can’t help but give an unsolicited opinion on new relationships, and while I know they are done with the best will in the world sometimes I wish they would just keep their thoughts to themselves. S and I are both stupidly busy at the moment with a lot on and so I have told him that we need to take some of the pressure off us both and I have said I am happy to wait a while until we have another date.

Obviously, I have said if we find we do have time to see each other than and I want us to and as the uber busyness is mainly on his side I have said that I better be top(ish) priority as soon as the busyness ends.

His uni work is crazy and so I feel that this is the only way I have of helping out and taking off some of the pressure. Weirdly, I am completely fine by the prospect. I mean we are potentially looking at not seeing each other for a month, maybe 6 weeks in total when I look back at when I last saw him.  But to me this is not a big issue, it is what it is.

However, when I told a colleague about this they thought it was really strange and questioned whether or not I was actually in a relationship at all.

I know that it was just coming from a caring place, but I do wish that people wouldn’t give me their doubts and worries when I have enough of my own. Or rather could have. As that is the weird thing. I am so unbelievably chilled about this entire thing that I can’t quite believe it. I keep wondering who is this new person!

Even when I told S that I was fine with him studying he questioned it.

I don’t know if it is the fact I have recently taken up yoga, what’s going on with my dad or the fact that on some level I feel more confident in this relationship than I have in any future one, but I really don’t see this as an issue. Yes, if he was going out with the lads every weekend rather than seeing me, it would be a problem. If he sets dates and then cancels them, that is a problem. But knowing he is snowed under so keeping it very chilled, knowing I will next see him when we are both free… to me that’s not a problem.

It’s kinda nice.

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I’m so done with men.

*disclaimer, I am writing this blog post after a good half a glass of wine, and yet another row with my sister

Every time I let me guard down its as if he knows and suddenly he will say or do something and i feel like a complete fool for letting him in and I can’t help but automatically put another brick back into the wall I built around my heart when Raoul hurt me. I take a step back, close up a little and try once again to convince myself I’m better off alone anyway.
It’s not a big deal.
I told him I was potentially busy this weekend, I was staying at a friends overnight and didn’t know when I would be free the next day. But when I found out I was free I asked if he wanted to see me… he said he can’t.
He has to do uni work.  I get that that. Uni work important,  it’s working towards his future.
But sat her right now having scrolled through a sled whole load of engagement and baby news posts on Facebook (and drank wine, can I re-highlight the wine consumption) I can’t help but feel like everyone in the world,  except me,  has their life together.
It’s not fair.
Tonight I’ve been out with one if my best friends and as always happens with a good girl friend and a few glasses of vino, the conversation moved onto relationships.  I told her about S and she told me to be careful and just take it one day at a time, which of course I completely agree with.
You see she was there through OH, she was one of the many shoulders I cried on after Raoul.  She’s heard me at least twice before claim that “this is the one”… well you don’t need to tell you how wrong I was.
I get that I need to be careful, so much so that I am afraid to put a label on what whatever S and I have is.
However I find myself missing how determined Raoul was that it was love from such any early stage.  Even though it turns out it  wasn’t on his part.
Now I’m with S who is so against giving any impression of caring for me. I just don’t know.
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Tomorrow

I know that tomorrow it won’t matter.  Tomorrow I will wake up and see this for the positive it is. But right now I’m alone in my bed and the tears just keep falling.

Raoul has been in occasional contact over the last few months, which S knows about. Mainly it’s been cute animal videos but about a month ago he told me he’s lost his job.  Today when I commented on my status I couldn’t help but do a little dace book stalking and I discovered he’s leaving the country. He has a new job, abroad and he jets out of the country next week.
I don’t know how I feel.
I’m upset but not 100% sure why. I keep worrying he’s going to be dating this thin, blonde tanned goddess. He’s going to be living the good life that we dreamed of together but by himself or worse with someone else.
I know I don’t want him back. I know S is already more reliable and if you made me choose I would chose S. But for tonight it matters.
I don’t know why the idea of Raoul leaving the country hurts me quite so much.
I was talking to a friend about it and he gave me this brilliant quote:
Capture
I can’t help but wonder if that’s it. Raoul and I never fully ended, well not really.  He told me he loved me, walked out my front door with the promise I would see him later.. only I never did. The break up happened over text and it just feels all a little unfinished to me.
The problem is I don’t know how to finish it. How do I stop that little bit of me that likes to dream that somewhere in another time, in another dimension that we did work out.  That I fall asleep wrapped in his arms, that we took all the holidays that we talked about together, that we meant the vows we made to each other… or am I just looking at him and the time we spent together through roses tinted glasses.
However, I always remember the good stuff and not the bad.
I remember how I put together a Pinterest board of possible wedding ideas, that I looked into wedding shops and thought “one day.” The fact we were discussing kids names and honeymoon destinations.
Despite the fact he didn’t mean it, to hear someone say “I will love you and will fight for you” was pretty awesome.
I know that what matters is he didn’t mean it, that he promised the earth but failed to deliver. But sometimes with S being so completely aware of not committing I miss him… I miss it.
But how do I stop? I know as much as I would like to (and can I just point out, when I am with S I NEVER wish I could be with Raoul, in fact Raoul is a distant memory) I still feel something. I just have no idea what.
Is it that I was hoping he would be a back up plan? If S decided to leave then I could go back to Raoul and try again? Not going to happen when he is at least a 4 hour flight away.
Or is it the realisation that he is never going to turn up on my doorstep begging me to come back? Raoul was yet another bloke who claimed to love me and left. Am I just desperately hoping that somewhere there is a guy who finds it hard being apart from me?
I know I can’t be with Raoul, I know that S is my future… so why can’t I stop looking back?