In a moment of being completely unlike me, I am not freaking out about this as much as I would have once upon a time – maybe clear sign that I am growing and learning?
S and I don’t seem to be doing that honeymoon period thing. I don’t really know why. Maybe it is the reluctance of both of us to commit fully, or that fact that we are both adults over 30 (OMG how did I get so old?!) But we are being far more practical about things than people who are in the early stage of a relationship usually are.
I know with Raoul when we first met he was at mine every night of the week for at least the first month. ‘I love you’ was implied from very early on, and we were waxing lyrical about weddings, raising a family, our future together . We seemed so on the same page…
This time it could not be more opposite.
S and I have both stated the fact we are not ‘in love’ with each other. Which I know may sound weird but actually when he told me that he didn’t love me, after a second of being “OMG, why not?” I realised that actually I don’t love him either. Heck I barely know him, it was a relief.
We both have differing views on the small stuff, which I am hoping won’t become the big stuff, and we are both being so logical about meeting up it’s almost a little bizarre.
Take this weekend for example.
You would think after not seeing each other last weekend nothing would stop us from getting together. But the reality is he needs some down time, I have evening plans with a friend on Sat and I want to be about for Dad this weekend after his first bout of chemo on Tuesday. Rather than pressuring him to see me, I am actively encouraging him to take the weekend and look after himself.
As if that isn’t weird enough I am not even remotely (ok, maybe just the tiniest bit) freaking out about the fact that I am happy for him to take a weekend to look after himself rather than heaping on pressure to spend time together.
I think a small part of it is my reluctance to let him in.
I refuse to refer to him as my boyfriend, as I kinda feel when I do that puts a whole heap of pressure on things, pressure that I just can’t deal with right now with everything else that is going on. But also, I think it may be because I feel a little bit more settled, both with him and in my personal life.
I have decided to do the kids thing alone, if I need to. I have given myself 5 years and if I haven’t met someone by then I am going to go alone.
I know (follow their blogs) some wonderful woman who have done the mum thing alone and that has inspired me to think “why not?” Yes, it will be hard. Yes it is not how I imagined my life turning out. But if they can do it there is no reason I can’t.
I also love my house. I don’t want to have to move out of it …and in with a boy. I know that is a long way off, but when I think about things (children, mainly it’s my wanting to have children) I can’t help but worry that I may be running out of time.
But right now life is good (overlooking the obvious) and I am truly happy.
Yes there are days when I worry my career is not where I want it to be and the fact I am single and childless when some of my friends are approaching 5 years wedding anniversaries and discussing their second children does bother me. But rather than putting pressure on myself and this relationship I am actively taking my foot off the gas. I am encouraging time apart.
I don’t know if it is because I am scared to commit again, or more secure in this… whatever this is… than I ever have been.
Ok, so I may not be seeing S this weekend, but I know I will see him again and I know in the scheme of things taking pressure off us when we both have a lot going on is sensible.
It doesn’t mean I don’t like him.
It doesn’t mean that things aren’t good.
It’s funny when I am with him I never want to leave, but when we are apart I am fine waiting until I see him next.
I know I will see him again, I know that we will have a next date. So why stress?