I’m so pathetic.

So I have just finished a lovely, if not massively confusing, couple of half days with S. Long story short he has been approached about a job near me and so I have spent months trying to show now excitement about this, in case it doesn’t come off. While internally doing backflips every time it is mentioned and secretly house hunting for him on the side every time he has another positive phone call. If he doesn’t get the job, I will be both gobsmacked and devastated.

Anyway, as he had a job interview in my neck of the wood he stayed with me last night and then this morning I left him at mine while I went to work. There was something about it that felt familiar and nice. Well, it does so long as you overlook the fact I spent the entire time faffing, worrying whether or not I was a good host, and I barely slept last night worrying my boiler was keeping him awake. Which is very much a hang up from my time with OH where one of the reasons given by him for dumping me was the fact I would sleep through the night, he wouldn’t and this annoyed him. Arse! He called me as soon as he got out of the interview and then he came to meet me from work and we went for lunch. It was all so lovely. We walked hand in hand, freezing to death as neither of us had brought a coat and there is the whole Doris thing going on at the moment. But, it was just lovely.

Then we tried to put a date in the diary for our next date and it’s looking like it’s going to be a month until we see each other again. Gutted doesn’t cover it.

I just miss him so much and I hate that it’s so long before I will next see him and the worse bit is I can’t complain about it as the fact we have settled into a seeing each other once a month pattern has very much been my fault  as I had such a hectic life that I could barely find time to breathe, never mind fit in a visit with him. But, being very aware that I was getting very close to some sort of breakdown I have had to make a change and now I find time for myself and I am saying “no” more than I have in my lifetime ever.

For the next two weekends, I have no plans. Ok, that’s not 100% true. I am busy this Friday, a friend is coming to see me. Saturday afternoon I am dog sitting and next Friday I am going to spend a night with my sister. But to me, that is no plans. That means loads of spare time to spend with him, but he has commitments and those commitments must come first.

I know that this is not going to be the case forever. I tell myself that we are working towards a future together and his heavy work schedule now means a brighter future for us. And on days when I am not feeling as positive about our future, I tell myself that at least not seeing each other I won’t have wasted lots of my precious time seeing him.

But right now, after a long day and a lovely surprise lunch date, I want more than anything to go home and walk through my front door to him.

7 thoughts on “I’m so pathetic.

  1. You are NOT pathetic.. you are human. and someone who would use a boiler as an excuse to dump you is an arse and you should just forget all about that.

    • I know, and he is not like that at all. But clearly the fact OH used “you are asleep when I am awake in the middle of the night and it annoys me” as an excuse to dump me has really affected me and so my subconscious will not let me sleep when S stops over. I am hoping it is one of those things that I will just get over with time

      • It was an awful thing to say to you. I know from experience that it’s pointless going over the reasons that people give for breaking up. They rarely tell the truth, even if they know what that is themselves. And silly things that seem annoying are only that way because something else is wrong.

  2. I’m back. This has been playing on my mind. You really shouldn’t be letting this worry you. It’s a very self-centred and petulant thing for him to say – an example of why you’re better off without him. No one but a child expects everyone else to be awake if they can’t sleep.

    • I love you so much, the fact you came back means so much to me! It’s an odd one, it’s not something I am aware of bothering me. I am not up at night stewing about it, it’s just when he stops over I don’t sleep. It’s like my subconscious is forcing me to be awake because of my past. I know it is something that I will get over in time but for the moment I might have to rely on coffee.

      Also, do not panic. I am very aware that OH breaking up with me was possibly the best thing that ever happened to me… took me a while but I finally realised it!

  3. Ooh this sounds very promising! I was excited reading this. I think you’re being very sensible by protecting yourself and your time/mental health. All so important. Sounds like his worth waiting for 😉

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