That’s the thought I can’t get out of my head. The stick which I use to beat myself. The notion that I couldn’t cut it in the “real” world and I am running to my Mum to bail me out, and no matter how many times people tell me I am being ridiculous, that the plan to give up work and become a full-time carer to my mother is a brave thing to do, I can’t stop feeling like I have failed. I entered the working world and I couldn’t cut it.
I can remember my Dad telling me time and time again how people are more than their jobs, that a job title didn’t matter and that so long as I was happy that’s all that matters. But I can’t help but feel that society says different and the fact that I will no longer work 9 – 5.30 five days a week means that I am a failure. It’s ridiculous. I have always spend said “I don’t live to work, I work to live” but now that I am about to do that, spend my days taking my Mum for days out or shopping and spending time being a ‘lady what lunches’ the voices in my head won’t be quieted.
I worry what people who don’t know me will think. I know I am being ridiculous. My friends, family and S have all been ridiculously supportive but I worry about what S’s friend and family will think. Ok, my job hasn’t been what I envisaged for a long time but at least I could tell everyone I “worked in marketing” even if the reality was somewhat different. Now, what do I say when I am asked?
I’m scared I am making the biggest mistake of my life, one there is no way back from. Mum and I have talked vaguely about finances but all she says is “I won’t see you struggle” and while I know she won’t that doesn’t answer the question I have of what my life will look like in 6 months’ time. I also worry I am underestimating how hard this will be. Right now I only see the positives. If I want to spend a weekend with S, then I will spend the week days either side of that with Mum meaning I needn’t feel guilty that I am not with her when I am busy with S. I see a summer where I can bring her to my house and spend time working in my garden. I might finally get the planters sorted I have been planning for the last 2 years but life keeps getting in the way of. I see summer days when I can take a break for a few hours and go for a cycle ride because the sun is shining. I see days out with Mum, running errands together, making memories.
If that’s how it works out then I will be living a dream, or as close to a dream as you can get.
So why can’t I shake the notion I am a failure?