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Not letting the past affect the future

I’m worried that my idiot ex might have broken me, and ruined me for all future relationships. S is no good at dealing with stress, he’d like to think he is but between you and me, I don’t know if I’ve met anyone less able to deal with stress. He’s got a lot going on right now, and I’m trying to be understanding but every time he sees me he seems miserable and I’m really starting to worry its because of me.

In the past I became defensive when he was upset. Pointing out I wasn’t to blame for the situation. I know, it wasn’t the most compassionate thing I could have done, it was more a gut reaction to my past. I told him I’d try to stop and not get on the defensive, but now, when I try to ask and talk to him about it all I get is “I’m fine” or “it’ll be right”. He remains quiet and withdrawn and despite my best intentions as the night progresses I start to put a barrier up, I’ll give up trying to make conversation and last night I purposefully went to bed late as I just didn’t want to be around him.

I’m trying so hard and I feel like he isn’t. I know everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with and I know he has given up a lot to come and move closer to me but I don’t feel buying a house and stressing over that comes even close to the stuff I have going in – first Father’s Day without Dad, this weekend marks a year since his death and then in a few weeks it’ll be Dad’s birthday… and I’m struggling financially since I gave up work to become a full time carer.

Once upon a time I would have had a lot more compassion, maybe a lot more understanding but now a little bit of me wants to scream at him. I’m trying so hard to remain positive and up beat, to make an effort when I see him. I just wish he was doing the same.

4 thoughts on “Not letting the past affect the future

  1. It’s hard when you have someone that doesn’t communicate. I live with one myself. I’ve come to realize I can only control how I react to what he says/does. He is a grown ass man and if he wants to be miserable, that is his choice, not mine. I choose to be me and be as happy as I know how to make me. HUGS my dear.

    • Oh your comment couldn’t have come at a better time. I have spent the evening arguing with S as I worry that a decision he is making (that I don’t agree with) he will regret later in life. He says it is not up to me to take the regret away… and he is right… but it is really hard not to try. I need to keep chanting to myself “he is a grown ass man” xx

  2. I make this suggestion in all kindness, but have you considered seeing a counselor? being able to talk to a professional outside of your situation might help you bring some clarity to what is going on and help you see your motivations in your reactions. I saw one for a few weeks when I was having issues with my mother and it helped me understand that my response was completely reasonable and I wasn’t insane for wanting what I wanted – which I often felt I was

    • Glad to hear your counselling worked, actually I have been with a counsellor for a while now. I went to see her just before I broke up with the ex, and just as I was feeling “all better” dad got his diagnosis and I kept her on. My biggest problem is I have sensible Lauranne and then the other one, and sometimes it is quieting down the other voice that I struggle with. The one that always worries, sees the negative, assumes he will go. It pipes up just when I need it least and depending on how I am doing, sometimes I struggle to keep it contained.

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