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“I’ve got this…”

I don’t know if you’re unlucky enough to know this, but when someone is dying you are advised to try and persuade them to die. Apparently, a lot of people will try to hang on and fight death and so you are encouraged to reassure them; tell them that you will be fine without them, tell them that you love them and it’s ok for them to go…

We had to do this for dad, my chosen phrase became “I’ve got this”. In his final days, when it was just the two of us in the room, I would whisper to him “It’s ok dad, you’ve got to go… I’ll take over where you are leaving off… I’ll look after mum…I’ll look after my sister… I’ve got this”

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It’s been almost a year and a half since dad died and whereas some of my life has never been better. My family is falling apart. My relationship with my mum is solid, but it turns out that the close family I thought I had, the one I was so proud to be a part of, well it was all a lie.

My aunty who had a go at me a few months back hasn’t spoken to me since that incident. She has been up to see my mum a couple of times, but if there is a chance I will. be around she won’t come close. She is intentionally avoiding me. And, the bit that really hurts, is she isn’t even asking after me to find out how I am. It’s like she doesn’t care. The woman who for 30 years I would describe as “like a second mother’ has for all intents and purposes cut me out of her life.

It hurts.

And over the last few weeks my sister has been really off with me. I send her a message, she doesn’t reply. I try to call, she doesn’t pick up. I suggested S and I pop round to see her and I somehow almost start world war 3. And now she appears to be taking a page out of my aunties book and she is just ignoring me. The three of us (mum, her and I) are in a group chat and all evening she has responded to the messages my mother posts, but I try and join in the conversation by asking her a question and she stops replying. I sent her a message yesterday saying “I’m beginning to worry you don’t like me” and she hasn’t replied.

It hurts.

I know I am not perfect and I will have made mistakes dealing with everything over the last few years, but what have I done that sees me ostrocised from my family?

I know when my aunty had a go at me it was because she was looking to displace her own guilt but how has that made me the baddie, who she wants no contact with or news about?

I think my sister is unimpressed that I have stopped taking on so many weekends with my mum, as I know see her two days a week and one evening keeping my weekends free to see S. But I don’t see how that has gotten to the point where she is refusing to talk to me at all?

I used to think I was from a big, lovely supportive family. Now my reality is very different. And, because of the bullying I worry that it is me. That I am some evil bitch that no one wants in their lives. That people try and escape from as soon as they see a way out. I always valued myself as a kind, supportive friend and although my sister and I would fight like cats and dogs I thought we would always have each others back. How could I have been so wrong?

All my life I have been terrified of doing things by myself. I felt like I needed someone else with me, a sounding board, to ensure I was making the right decisions and wouldn’t get lost. However, now I am wondering if I was kidding myself, have I always been alone? Are my mum and dad the only people who liked me and did my other family members only put up with me to make them happy?

2 thoughts on ““I’ve got this…”

  1. Family dynamics change when a key person is removed. Some people take their grief, or guilt, out on others without even realising they’re doing it. It takes time to settle to a new normal.

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