So 2018 sucks…

Well, we are one week into 2018, and I think it has broken me. Honestly, this has to be some sort of record…  I started off this year so well. Well, at least I started this year of preparing to become a better version of me. I was going to put myself first and find time to focus on what I love to do, and I was getting back into shape. I’d downloaded a weight-loss app, in preparation to start watching what I ate on the 2nd Jan. I had talked S into cooking me a lovely three course meal on the 1st so there was no way I was counting calories for that meal! I’d finished a book, ‘I will Marry George Clooney by Christmas‘ – fab read, I thoroughly recommend it. I’d call it bubble gum literature, totally light and fluffy and you know what’s going to happen from about the third page. But it had me laughing out load and it was a feel good break from the real world, which is something I REALLY needed. I had a new book all lined up to read “Year One, by Nora Roberts” and made it a new year resolution to read more, and start reviewing them on here, as a way to hold my accountable. I had decided to remind myself why I love yoga so much and so signed up to True by Yoga with Adriene, and I had been accepted to become on of the bloggers taking part in ‘Party Hard, Train Harder‘ for Teenage Cancer Trust, in memory of my dad. I thought walking 10,000 steps a day would be a fantastic way to start getting back into exercise and I would have to find time for me, using the charity and fundraising as an excuse for being that little bit selfish (Sponsorship details coming soon!). I had S, and I’m about to return to Uni… for the first time in I don’t know how long I was truly excited for the year ahead.

Day 1. I certainly got the party harder bit sorted, only I didn’t half a bottle over many hours and a glass of fizz at the stroke of 12 do not normally turn Lauranne into a hungover wreck the next morning, but yet I was sooo ill. I just about managed the three courses, but I spent the entire day on the settee wishing I was dead… not the start the the new year I had planned. Steps taken: 250.

Day 2. Spun my car on some black ice. Luckily I walked away unharmed and the car is fine, in fact the only person injured was the lovely lady who tried to come to my rescue. She got out of her car to see if I was ok and promptly fell over on the ice. I was a totally wreck for most of the rest of the day. However, I did manage to fit in some yoga, but I only managed a pathetic 6500 steps.

Day 3. Decided to do a dummy run in preparation for my interview at a uni next week; took mum with me. The plan was a lovely girlie day shopping in a big city I had never visited before. The reality was the least disabled friendly car park I have ever seen in my life… it took us half an hour, and the help of a member of staff before we were able to get my mums wheelchair out of the carpark, as every exit had steps. Turns out once you can get out of the car park the building I needed was about a 2 minute walk away. It was cold and wet and we just decided we had had enough and so rather than a girlie shopping trip we gave up and came home. It was the day the UK was experiencing really strong winds and driving ran, so it wasn’t a quick drive. Driving all day for a half an hour walk around a car park is not my idea of fun and felt like another wasted day. On the positive I did manage 9800 steps and I did another yoga session.

Day 4. Mum had a doctors appointment, which she had asked me to attend with her. After years of dealing with crappy doctors we have learnt it’s better to go in twos so there is a witness of what has been said.  We waited for 2 hours to see the doctor… by the end of that wait I was feeling like I needed a doctor myself. And of course the appointment was smack bang in the middle of the day. Another wasted day, and only 4700 steps managed. Although I did manage another late night yoga session.

Day 5. I took a little time for myself and drove to my college. There is a deadline looming and I needed some books. Arrived at college, popped to the loo, and ten I got kicked out as there was a fire. Stood in the cold forever, wondering  at what point I should give up and go home. Steps managed:  6000 and I did manage another late night yoga.

Day 6. Yesterday. I woke up to a broken boiler. A broken boiler that was only fixed, and a new boiler fitted three weeks ago. I had no heating, no hot water. I was not happy. Luckily, my boiler man is amazing and it was soon fixed but still… then things got so much worse. I lost my phone while I was out walking. The phone I have had for two years and so is rammed full of many fantastic pictures and memories. The phone which I ridiculously keep adding contacts too while telling myself “you really need to back this up, if you loose it you will be screwed”. The phone which I had only recently linked to my bank account as I am struggling to manage my finances and thought having the app on my phone would.. The phone which I have on a SIM only deal… as the handset originally belonged to my dad. It fell out my pocket, and some b*stard picked it up and turned it off. I know that someone picked it up, as the first few times we rang it it rang for a while before going to voicemail, the third time, and at the most this was 20 minutes after I had lost it, it went straight to voicemail, no ringing. The fourth time I tried it, from the O2 shop were I reported the loss/at that point suspected theft they tried ringing it and I got a strange, similar to “this number has not been recognised’, but not message which left no doubt in mine, nor the sales peoples mind that someone, somewhere had found it and taken it.
on the positive I did rack up and impressive 15000 while desperately walking, in the driving rain and sleet, trying to find my phone. I didn’t do yoga that night. I didn’t do anything.

Day 7. I broke a wine glass while trying to clean my kitchen, and whilst hoovering it up the bottom fell off my hoover and dust covered my only moments before clean lounge.

Day 7 was the day that broke me. It has been the day that has seen me curl up into a little ball and sob uncontrollably, while I wished someone somewhere would offer me a way out. Had someone said “here’s £1000 you leave now, leave everyone and go and set up a new life, alone” I would have bitten their hand off.

Over the last 10 years I have overcome so much. I have been bullied out of a well paid job. I have had my heart broken twice. I have watched my father die, and yet is appears 2018 will be the year that finally breaks me.

6 thoughts on “So 2018 sucks…

  1. Sweet pea, it’s way to better to have all that shit come in the beginning of the year. Now it’s over, all the crap has been dealt and you can get on to an amazing 2018! Follow my gratitude page on Facebook, we’ll get through this year together! Happy new year, my dear!

    • How do I find your gratitude page – do you have a link? I will indeed. It’s just been one of those years where just something small, or something a little bit bigger, has happened every. single. day! and I started the year with so much positivity… sometimes it feels like whenever I try and make a positive change, stand up a little straighter… the world sees me and decides to knock me back down!

      Hope your new year is going better?

  2. Hey love, what a start to the New Year! Not the start you were expecting but at least you got some positives in there with the steps! You have had so much going on that it sounds like your grief is coming out now, you need to give yourself time to heal my love. There will always be down days and over time they will become less frequent. Losing the phone was a trigger – a total accident. You have so much to look forward to now, you need to keep moving forward as everything will become easier… As for getting S to cook you a 3 course meal, I need the tip for that one! 😉 Sim xxxx

    • I love that you have found the very small positives… I just feel like the charity is someone else I can add to my long list of people I have let down. As for how I got him to cooked the three course, being completely honest I don’t know. I suggested it and he was on board, luckily he loves cooking so I think he enjoyed the excuse. I was actually really touched as I’d only asked for two courses, and he hates the idea of three course meals for some reason (reason = he is weird!) I keep reminding myself that he did that for me when I am feeling a little bit unsure about how he feels about me.

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