He’s upset I didn’t get excited…

S and I are just back from a brilliant week away. What can I say in the end the boy did good.

We ended up with a week in a holiday cottage in Cornwall (a place neither of us had ever visited before) and it had an indoor pool, a gym, wifi and our own private hot tub – can I get a hell yeah?! Ok, so things didn’t go fully to plan, the gym and pool were closed as it is Winter and the wifi didn’t work, but it was pure bliss.

I laughed so hard I cried. We talked about so much stuff. I realised how happy he makes me, how much I am able to be myself around him and it dawned on me (not for the first time) that if he would let me in I think I could really fall for him.

In true holiday style, we planned to do far too much. Some of it was amazing and I will do it again – I fell head over heels in love with St Ives – and it some of it was over-priced and not worth the money. We took each day as it came and the only plan we made was to eat at Rick Stein’s restaurant in Padstow to celebrate the mid-point of the holiday.

There was a lot of back and forth about the booking. My sister had mentioned that Padstow is known as Padstein, due to the cook owning so much of it. He owns the cookery school a couple of restaurants and a bakery or two. When I mentioned to S that Rick Stein had his flagship restaurant there he said we should go. I hadn’t even considered it, mainly due to the cost. But with S seeming keen there was no way I was going to turn down the opportunity. I said I would, booked and got a little bit excited.

Then I saw that the flagship restaurant is a fish restaurant and my heart fell a little. S doesn’t like fish. I love fish, I had an ex bring me prawns and smoked salmon instead of flowers, by way of an apology after a row once. But S is not keen.

I told him we wouldn’t go.

He insisted that we did.

I was so excited I may have squeaked.

However, when I told S I may have squeaked he was a little bit gutted. He was happy I was happy, but a little bit disappointed that it was the restaurant and not the holiday with him that had me so visibly excited.

The problem was the holiday had gotten me excited. In fact, I have a half-written blog post about how excited I was that S had asked me to go on holiday with him but no matter how excited I was I was also scared, and I think that’s the reason I wasn’t overtly showing him how excited I was.

After everything I have been through this year I was scared of getting my hopes up. Scared that getting excited about the holiday would somehow jinx it.  Scared of him thinking I was too excited and somehow that putting him off.

Despite, I’m assuming, appearing fine and positive and sunny on the outside I am still very much struggling with Dads death. I miss him so much, and it is only getting worse every. single. day.  I feel like it won’t take much for me to completely fall apart

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