He’s upset I didn’t get excited…

S and I are just back from a brilliant week away. What can I say in the end the boy did good.

We ended up with a week in a holiday cottage in Cornwall (a place neither of us had ever visited before) and it had an indoor pool, a gym, wifi and our own private hot tub – can I get a hell yeah?! Ok, so things didn’t go fully to plan, the gym and pool were closed as it is Winter and the wifi didn’t work, but it was pure bliss.

I laughed so hard I cried. We talked about so much stuff. I realised how happy he makes me, how much I am able to be myself around him and it dawned on me (not for the first time) that if he would let me in I think I could really fall for him.

In true holiday style, we planned to do far too much. Some of it was amazing and I will do it again – I fell head over heels in love with St Ives – and it some of it was over-priced and not worth the money. We took each day as it came and the only plan we made was to eat at Rick Stein’s restaurant in Padstow to celebrate the mid-point of the holiday.

There was a lot of back and forth about the booking. My sister had mentioned that Padstow is known as Padstein, due to the cook owning so much of it. He owns the cookery school a couple of restaurants and a bakery or two. When I mentioned to S that Rick Stein had his flagship restaurant there he said we should go. I hadn’t even considered it, mainly due to the cost. But with S seeming keen there was no way I was going to turn down the opportunity. I said I would, booked and got a little bit excited.

Then I saw that the flagship restaurant is a fish restaurant and my heart fell a little. S doesn’t like fish. I love fish, I had an ex bring me prawns and smoked salmon instead of flowers, by way of an apology after a row once. But S is not keen.

I told him we wouldn’t go.

He insisted that we did.

I was so excited I may have squeaked.

However, when I told S I may have squeaked he was a little bit gutted. He was happy I was happy, but a little bit disappointed that it was the restaurant and not the holiday with him that had me so visibly excited.

The problem was the holiday had gotten me excited. In fact, I have a half-written blog post about how excited I was that S had asked me to go on holiday with him but no matter how excited I was I was also scared, and I think that’s the reason I wasn’t overtly showing him how excited I was.

After everything I have been through this year I was scared of getting my hopes up. Scared that getting excited about the holiday would somehow jinx it.  Scared of him thinking I was too excited and somehow that putting him off.

Despite, I’m assuming, appearing fine and positive and sunny on the outside I am still very much struggling with Dads death. I miss him so much, and it is only getting worse every. single. day.  I feel like it won’t take much for me to completely fall apart

Goodbye 2017, it’s been life changing!

I currently feel like all my posts start with a promise of “doing better” something I haven’t achieved in 2017, but who knows 2018 is a whole new start sole’s approach the new year with our positivity hats on. Although, in true wisdom comes with age style, I have to admit as I am becoming older I am also becoming more cynical. As much as I like to think I will wake up a completely new, significantly better person on the 1st January 2018, 30 plus years of experience tells me this will not be the case.

For example, what I should be doing right now is any of the three assignments I have due in come January, however as I find I am unsure where to start, I have decided to procrastinate and I am instead writing a blog post,  day dreaming on holidaygems.co.uk as I am determined S and I will get away next year… maybe… and watching the lion, the witch and the wardrobe: the voyage of the dawn treader. (Although I feel that should be trader?!)

Although I have to admit I am not convinced about the holiday. I desperately need one, but with the return to Uni next year, which I am having to fully fund myself, it’s looking as if it’ll be a good few years until I can afford a holiday again. It’s not just the holiday I worry about funding, occasionally S will allude to a future with me, but it’s a future I am not yet in a position to financially contribute to in any way, shape or form for the foreseeable future. it’s going to be at least three years until I am once again earning a wage, and I am worried that I have an awful lot of like to live in the next three years.

I want to go somewhere hot. I want to lie in the sun and feel myself fully relax. I don’t think I have recently, in fact I am struggling to remember the last time I relaxed. Christmas was lovely, but the weight of three assignments hung over it, and now in this no mans land between Christmas and New Year, my to-do list is about 4 sides long and I am failing to cross anything off of it. Even this attempt at getting back into blog writing feels like more of a task than a joy. There are boxes everywhere from my attempt at decluttering, which haven’t yet made it to the local charity shop and I am very much in a position whereby if someone gave me the option of walking out of my front door, away from my life, never to return again, I would.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. My life is unrecognisable from what it was a year ago. S has moved closer to me, I have found a purpose in my life and I am embarking on a career that still feels like a dream… and yet all I can do is dream about escaping it all. I long for a break and weirdly, I have recently been longing for my life as it was. I miss the job that didn’t fulfil me, but paid well. I miss the holidays I have had and I am even missing the life I had with the ex. Even though I know my life is a million times better now and my ex can’t hold a candle to the man S is, the way he treats me, the relationship we have… what’s wrong with me?

I know that I don’t want to go back. I know that my future is full of potential and my past is my past for a reason. But still.

 

 

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post. Although, between you and me I am worried they will be after their money back having read this…. You’ve heard the phrase blood from a stone, this feels like blog post from a talentless writer!

I tried to do something nice

I’m currently in the middle of a fight with S. we’ve reached that really mature part where we are both sat in silence waiting for the other to break the deadlock and, as it’s always me who gives in and speaks first, I have decided that this time it will be him. The problem I have is a think the guy can even our stubborn me, so in an attempt to distract myself while I wait for him to blink first I’m writing a blog post!

So I bet you all want to know what has happened in our world to get to this deadlock, well I will tell you. I want to take S out to celebrate his graduation (which he’s refused to attend so I am literally planning to take him to the chippy on what would be his graduation day evening) and he doesn’t want to.  He is so mad at me for planning something and not respecting his wishes.

Part of the problem is I want it to be a surprise and so I won’t tell him what’s planned. Meanwhile I think he thinks I’m planning on taking him out for a four course gourmet meal and he is arguing I can’t afford to spend money on him.  Which I can’t. My overdraft is my new best friend since returning to college and I am barely affording groceries for the week.

We’ve been arguing around this point for the best part of an hour and now we are sat in silence… it’s so nice being in a mature relationship!

I’m just worried he’s going to look back and regret his decision. He doesn’t put himself forward enough. He will do without so that someone else has… which is very similar to how my dad was. I just wanted to do something nice for him, put him first for a change and show him how much he means to me.

Op he just spoke. I won!

However, the conclusion of the fight is that I have given in completely. No putting him first. No celebration. No nothing… I can’t help but feel in the scheme of things I just lost!

Case of the Ex

Sometimes I can’t help but feel sorry for S. As much as I try I know he sometimes gets the rough end of the stick, and I find myself getting grumpy because he’ll do something that reminds me of my exes and suddenly the little voice says “don’t fall for this again… don’t be taken advantage of…”.

But the thing that gets me is that I seem to be the only one whose working on it and I can’t sometimes help but feel like I’m getting a rough ride because of the stuff S was put through and he doesn’t seem to be aware that we can’t let our exes into this relationship.

However, on the positive there are a whole heap of times when I am reminded that S isn’t in fact one of my exes. Take for example this moment right now. You may or may not have noticed but over the last few weeks I have been pushing out a couple of blog posts that I wrote over the summer, when I still needed to blog but with an old lap top and no time the posts got written but not published. However finally I am in a place where I have time to do some bulk uploading of posts, and once again there may be a little bit of procrastinatin in there as well, so I am cleaning out my blog email inbox and that includes publishing a load of draft posts.

I am currently doing this with S on the phone to me. He has had a bad day and so rang me to vent. I have done the supportive thing for a good half an hour and so now I am doing the busy, trying to be productive as I need to head out in a minute thing, while he sits in traffic listening to me type. Anyway, I was struggling to come up with a picture to go with the first half of this posts and so I asked S and he didn’t react. There was no kicking off about the tone, or the fact I was writing about him, or even that I am telling the internet and the world (although he is aware I don’t have that many readers!) about the fact I don’t think we have dealt with our exes. All he has done is come up with suggestions for a header image.

I know that from time to time I worry about the damage my ex has done to me, however I know that getting out of that relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me as it has allowed me to meet someone pretty great.

Spoiler alert, never did find a new header image so went with this old one instead.

Not letting the past affect the future

I’m worried that my idiot ex might have broken me, and ruined me for all future relationships. S is no good at dealing with stress, he’d like to think he is but between you and me, I don’t know if I’ve met anyone less able to deal with stress. He’s got a lot going on right now, and I’m trying to be understanding but every time he sees me he seems miserable and I’m really starting to worry its because of me.

In the past I became defensive when he was upset. Pointing out I wasn’t to blame for the situation. I know, it wasn’t the most compassionate thing I could have done, it was more a gut reaction to my past. I told him I’d try to stop and not get on the defensive, but now, when I try to ask and talk to him about it all I get is “I’m fine” or “it’ll be right”. He remains quiet and withdrawn and despite my best intentions as the night progresses I start to put a barrier up, I’ll give up trying to make conversation and last night I purposefully went to bed late as I just didn’t want to be around him.

I’m trying so hard and I feel like he isn’t. I know everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with and I know he has given up a lot to come and move closer to me but I don’t feel buying a house and stressing over that comes even close to the stuff I have going in – first Father’s Day without Dad, this weekend marks a year since his death and then in a few weeks it’ll be Dad’s birthday… and I’m struggling financially since I gave up work to become a full time carer.

Once upon a time I would have had a lot more compassion, maybe a lot more understanding but now a little bit of me wants to scream at him. I’m trying so hard to remain positive and up beat, to make an effort when I see him. I just wish he was doing the same.