I’m currently in the middle of a fight with S. we’ve reached that really mature part where we are both sat in silence waiting for the other to break the deadlock and, as it’s always me who gives in and speaks first, I have decided that this time it will be him. The problem I have is a think the guy can even our stubborn me, so in an attempt to distract myself while I wait for him to blink first I’m writing a blog post!
So I bet you all want to know what has happened in our world to get to this deadlock, well I will tell you. I want to take S out to celebrate his graduation (which he’s refused to attend so I am literally planning to take him to the chippy on what would be his graduation day evening) and he doesn’t want to. He is so mad at me for planning something and not respecting his wishes.
Part of the problem is I want it to be a surprise and so I won’t tell him what’s planned. Meanwhile I think he thinks I’m planning on taking him out for a four course gourmet meal and he is arguing I can’t afford to spend money on him. Which I can’t. My overdraft is my new best friend since returning to college and I am barely affording groceries for the week.
We’ve been arguing around this point for the best part of an hour and now we are sat in silence… it’s so nice being in a mature relationship!
I’m just worried he’s going to look back and regret his decision. He doesn’t put himself forward enough. He will do without so that someone else has… which is very similar to how my dad was. I just wanted to do something nice for him, put him first for a change and show him how much he means to me.
Op he just spoke. I won!
However, the conclusion of the fight is that I have given in completely. No putting him first. No celebration. No nothing… I can’t help but feel in the scheme of things I just lost!
Sometimes I can’t help but feel sorry for S. As much as I try I know he sometimes gets the rough end of the stick, and I find myself getting grumpy because he’ll do something that reminds me of my exes and suddenly the little voice says “don’t fall for this again… don’t be taken advantage of…”.
But the thing that gets me is that I seem to be the only one whose working on it and I can’t sometimes help but feel like I’m getting a rough ride because of the stuff S was put through and he doesn’t seem to be aware that we can’t let our exes into this relationship.
However, on the positive there are a whole heap of times when I am reminded that S isn’t in fact one of my exes. Take for example this moment right now. You may or may not have noticed but over the last few weeks I have been pushing out a couple of blog posts that I wrote over the summer, when I still needed to blog but with an old lap top and no time the posts got written but not published. However finally I am in a place where I have time to do some bulk uploading of posts, and once again there may be a little bit of procrastinatin in there as well, so I am cleaning out my blog email inbox and that includes publishing a load of draft posts.
I am currently doing this with S on the phone to me. He has had a bad day and so rang me to vent. I have done the supportive thing for a good half an hour and so now I am doing the busy, trying to be productive as I need to head out in a minute thing, while he sits in traffic listening to me type. Anyway, I was struggling to come up with a picture to go with the first half of this posts and so I asked S and he didn’t react. There was no kicking off about the tone, or the fact I was writing about him, or even that I am telling the internet and the world (although he is aware I don’t have that many readers!) about the fact I don’t think we have dealt with our exes. All he has done is come up with suggestions for a header image.
I know that from time to time I worry about the damage my ex has done to me, however I know that getting out of that relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me as it has allowed me to meet someone pretty great.
Spoiler alert, never did find a new header image so went with this old one instead.
I’m worried that my idiot ex might have broken me, and ruined me for all future relationships. S is no good at dealing with stress, he’d like to think he is but between you and me, I don’t know if I’ve met anyone less able to deal with stress. He’s got a lot going on right now, and I’m trying to be understanding but every time he sees me he seems miserable and I’m really starting to worry its because of me.
In the past I became defensive when he was upset. Pointing out I wasn’t to blame for the situation. I know, it wasn’t the most compassionate thing I could have done, it was more a gut reaction to my past. I told him I’d try to stop and not get on the defensive, but now, when I try to ask and talk to him about it all I get is “I’m fine” or “it’ll be right”. He remains quiet and withdrawn and despite my best intentions as the night progresses I start to put a barrier up, I’ll give up trying to make conversation and last night I purposefully went to bed late as I just didn’t want to be around him.
I’m trying so hard and I feel like he isn’t. I know everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with and I know he has given up a lot to come and move closer to me but I don’t feel buying a house and stressing over that comes even close to the stuff I have going in – first Father’s Day without Dad, this weekend marks a year since his death and then in a few weeks it’ll be Dad’s birthday… and I’m struggling financially since I gave up work to become a full time carer.
Once upon a time I would have had a lot more compassion, maybe a lot more understanding but now a little bit of me wants to scream at him. I’m trying so hard to remain positive and up beat, to make an effort when I see him. I just wish he was doing the same.
Today I was watching TV and they were reviewing the papers and they discussed a study which has found that men are less likely to stay with a woman if she’s insecure. Apparently, if a man is insecure then his woman will stick by him, but if the tables are turned and the woman needs reassurance then she is unlikely to find it.
I will be honest my first thought was to worry, thanks to one too many heartbreaks and the bullying I endured all those years ago. But since this morning I’ve had time to think and actually I’m not going to. I am loving and loyal and a great catch, even if I do say so myself 😉 I deserve someone who will love me, flaws and all. I won’t settle for less. I’m not changing. I’m hoping over time with love and support my anxiety will become less, all it’s going to take is the right guy. We all deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants us as our worst as well as at our best.