New start…same old me

So I wanted this post to be about the joys of the new house and I even started writing it. I have started to write it soooo many times…

I was going to tell you about my joy, the funny quirks we have found in our new house and the amazing weekend I have had looking forward to starting my new life but the post didn’t come. I find as a blogger that as I sit down and start to write only one idea pops out, and I have to write it down then and there otherwise it is lost forever. You won’t believe how many award winning posts I have written mid dog walk which will never see the light of day. I am sure, in time, the happy go lucky blog post I was to write will appear, but for now the bit of me the “writes” wants to tell you this…

Ever since I have been little I imagined moving into a new house with the man of my dreams. I saw us drinking champagne in front of the fire, snuggling up in the warm glow of a future together and laughing as we unpacked boxes, pausing to kiss each other, have a paint fight and just living in a bubble of bliss – this was not the weekend I had!

It all went wrong on Friday night. Yep the night we collected the keys. Having had a look around I was keen to start cleaning. My plan was to clean and bleach everything before we moved our stuff in. I spent three hours cleaning two windows. Everywhere I looked I could see more things to clean…. Add to that OH is properly poorly sick and spent most of the evening lying on the floor having managed a sum total of 5 minutes cleaning… my ‘happy new home dream’ was dissolving fast!

After I had cleaned my two windows we decided to call it a day and drove home, where I started worrying.

Inner demons: Was OH having doubts? He wasn’t happy because he was ill, that’s nothing to do with me right? Was he happier when he moved in with his previous partner? Did that mean he loved her more? Was I just a cheap replacement? I deserve better than that so what was I going to do? Was the love I have enough for both of us? Was this right? If it doesn’t work out how will either of us ever move on?

Sensible voice: he is ill and feeling rubbish, and probably has a small upset about moving away from his home too, stop worrying!

Inner demons: Is he regretting you? Does he feel trapped?…

You get the idea!

Anyway as I walked through the door of my home, although I guess technically it is now my folks home, *sob* I received a lovely text. He had pulled over to whilst driving home to tell me he loved me and he did want to live with me and he was sorry he was ill. I’ll be honest I burst into tears on my mum.

The next day we moved OH into our house, and I was fine. It wasn’t the full romance I had hoped for. In fact when I went to sit near him once we had finished unpacking him he stopped me because he has a bad back which was hurting. But overall it was fine, although the house was a little bit on the chilly side as the people we bought the house from didn’t think to tell us the oil was running out and so our central heating stopped working about lunch time, and we had thick frost all day – brrr!

Then Sunday came around and it was my day to move in. I was fine in the morning and during the day. I took my folks up and toured them round the house, showed my sister and her bloke the place with such excitement. I moved in far too many boxes. Waved my folks off and then I broke down into tears and couldn’t stop crying.

Even now I am fighting back tears as I think about my folks, about my things not being in my room at home but in boxes in my cold new house. I got into this weird pattern of cry lots, stop, open a box of stuff and cry some more. Twice OH told me that I could change my mind, not move in with him and just seem him on weekends, and that just made me cry again!

I woke up this morning and I felt depressed. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to put on makeup, I just wanted to cuddle my dad….. and I can’t help but think, what’s wrong with me? Am I not supposed to be happy? I have moved in with the love of my life, something I have wanted since I met him two years ago, but all I am doing is crying and panicking….. I turned the fire off before coming to work as I didn’t trust it being left on, is OH going to be mad at me when I get home? (This worry comes from a previous bad relationship, which got very serious and resulted in me becoming a complete recluse – he didn’t like me going out!) and I get mad at being so stressy when (at present) OH has done nothing to deserve this fear, but I am afraid to stand my ground, will always back down and this has me worrying about my future!! And the fact that I am crying my eyes out on what should be one of the happiest days of my life makes me worry what is wrong with me??!!

So I have moved house this weekend, however I seem to have taken all of my old gremlins with me, and I am worried that these gremlins will start affecting my future, and I don’t know what to do!!

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It’s my party and I will freak out if I want to!!

OMG I am having kittens… Ok not actual kittens, although that would be kinda cool!

December is pretty much a write off for me. I am one of those people cursed with a December birthday. So it the OH. Our anniversary also happens to fall in this month and as if that wasn’t enough dates taken up we are now also looking to move house in December – if I make it to Christmas it will be a miracle!

Anyway back to the kittens.

Every year I try to hold a birthday party and every year I swear never again. I used to love my December birthday when I was younger, and regardless of age I will always maintain that the best people are born in December, however since leaving Uni I am becoming less and less impressed with my December birthday (or is it my friends?)

The first year out of uni none of my friends could make it. They all had work commitments and as it was their first year in a new job I told them not to worry about it. Although I will admit to being a little upset. But this is becoming a continued trend…. last year there was me, OH and one fantastic friend. I think that was when I decided enough is enough. I pretend it doesn’t bother me, but deep down it does and I don’t need more disappointment in my life.

I was done with organizing plans with friends.

But then one of my friends contacted me to tell me her Christmas do was earlier this year and so she has pencilled my birthday party in for the 8th. Like a fool I decided that this means I should do something. I have spent two weeks emailing various restaurants to see if they could fit me in. Trying to find a restaurant with space that was not too expensive, that people would enjoy and that catered for all the various dietary requirements of my friends and family has been… fun. Finally I settled on a place and asked them to book, however they wanted us to pre-order (which I really wanted to avoid having to organise as I AM MOVING HOUSE THIS WEEK) and along with the order they want a deposit which I really can’t afford to do. Um hello new house.

However, I am getting desperate. So I asked them to reserve the table and said I would confirm numbers and food order as soon as I could. I also asked how they would like me to pay. I heard nothing for about a week and so I decided to play the sensible adult card and rang the restaurant today to chase them.

The woman at the restaurant had no record of me, but she did have a booking for Emily and she asked me if I was sure I wasn’t Emily.

And so back to the kittens… what the hell I am going to do with 16 people on the 8th December when we are walking around Leeds in the rain (you just know it is going to rain) and we have no dinner reservations but an empty table sits waiting for Emily to enjoying my birthday table!

Next year I am not having a birthday party!!!!

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Why blog?

I initially started this blog for all the wrong reasons, I wanted to make money from it!! I currently work in social media (sort of) and I spend my days looking at amazing blogs knowing that people can stay at home and make a living from blogging. I was jealous and thought if they can do it why can’t I?!

To begin with, I was keeping it all very secretive – my about me page contained nothing but cryptic clues as I didn’t want anyone to find out this is me, and I had written what I thought people may want to read rather than what I actually wanted to put. However have spent a couple of hours reading some blogs from some very inspirational women I have decided to start again.

So here is attempt two (which is shocking considering this is my third post!)

Here I will now share what I want to share, rather than what I think needs sharing.

*Deep breath*

Part of the reason I didn’t want to share too much is because I was/am ashamed to admit I am a mess. I had a plan for my life you see – nothing concrete, just an idea of how I wanted it to be and it involved me going to Uni, doing a course with a specific job in the end, getting a job at the end of it and then working my way up the career ladder until I reached as far up as I wanted to go. Then have loved every second of my glittering career, I would give it all up to become a full time mum.

However, it went so very wrong.

I worked my ass of to get a good degree and I was lucky enough to come out of uni and straight into a brilliant job in that field. Then is went wrong. My boss took an (almost instant) dislike to me and uttered the words “I am going to get rid of her!”

It took the b*****d three years but in the end he did. He played mind games, he completely destroyed me. I fought him. I fought him so hard. I took it to tribunals and fought tooth and nail to save my career. But the b*****d won, in the end I had to quit my job and walk away.

He won and sometimes I feel like he is still winning.

Or he was. This is my blog and I I will be open and honest and unafraid. On it I will chart, open and honestly what is happening in my life. I have so much good stuff to look forward to, so there should be lots of that, but I am going to be open and honest about the not so good stuff as well.

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Honey I Shrunk the House

This week started well with me and my OH wondering the shops together and dreaming dreams about our future as we prepare to move into our new house together. We get the keys at the end of the month and I couldn’t be more excited!!

After a small argument, in which we discussed calmly (with minimal door slamming) the various separate plans we had made about moving in together (mine involved cleaning the house Saturday morning then moving in junk, his involved moving in junk and cleaning around) we came up with a compromise (cleaning late Friday night when we collect keys) and set off to shop.

I would just like to now point out how well-behaved we both were during the shopping trip!

Together we reached many decisions: the furniture we would buy, which room it would go in, when we would buy it and I even didn’t even sulk when he pointed out that the L-shaped cream sofa and matching snuggle chair I had fallen in love with was not the most practical of ideas giving that we have a very large collie, both enjoy the odd glass of wine and are as clumsy as.. well you get the idea!

We left the shops full of ideas and looked forward to our viewing the very next day where along with measuring for various white goods we would finalise which household items we would buy. I was so excited driving up to the house, and walking down the drive way to knock on the red front door – which I couldn’t help but think would very shortly be my red front door – walked through the small entrance porch to the lounge – soon to be my front porch and my lounge – and then I stopped dead…..

Someone has shrunk my house!!!

I remember everything exactly – the two two-seater sofa’s in the lounge, with space for a table, the upstairs bedroom with the double bed and two double wardrobes – but somewhere in my memory my house had doubled in size.

There is no room for my cream sofa, even if I had been allowed it. In fact the isn’t room for any L-shaped sofa’s with or without the snuggle chair. Nor the table with 6 chairs for all our friends and family to dine around, and the spare room which was going to have a chest of draws, double bed and double wardrobe will hopefully fit a double if we buy a small one!!

In fact the only thing which wasn’t smaller than I remembered it was the small garden which has grown in size (hurray!) and under stairs cupboard – both of which I have along with the loft already given my OH full control of.

I have been told that this house shrinkage is apparently common when buying houses, and I do still love my (now little) house so so much… but I just hope it doesn’t shrink anymore between now and moving day or elsewhere will all my shoes live?!

I wish!

I wish!

How to have a weekend like me

Friday:

  • Stay later than intended at work to catch up on mountain of paper work.
  • Drive home (getting stuck behind idiot who only ever drives at 40 mph regardless of speed limit!)
  • Eat tea at some sort of warp speed as your are soon to be very late.
  • Pack bags for weekend with the OH. As you are the worlds worst packer be sure to pack at least double what you need.
  • Race to party to meet a friend for a long overdue catch up.
  • Find out friend isn’t coming.
  • Leave party race to the OHs house.
  • Find OH isn’t at house and instead go track him down at his local watering hole.

Saturday:

  • Have a (well deserved) lie in
  • Head out for a lovely dog walk in the moors.
    As you are putting on boots, ideally in the middle of no-where, remember that your walking boots fell apart last time you wore them and one of them only has a third of the sole still attached.
  • Decide to set off on walk, make sure your OH takes the lead, and for reasons known only to him, wander through waterlogged bogs rather than sticking to the obvious paths.
  • Misjudge a jump. Aim for what you think is a reed bed but end up in water and other substances you would rather not identify up to your ankles!
  • Pull out foot taking care to catapult a good amount of above mentioned yuck from broken boot onto face, front and back.
  • Continue on walk – no idea why
  • Get loose sole stuck under boot, cover yourself in more yuck whilst trying to release it.
  • Decide to abandon walk, and head into town to purchase new pair or walking boots.
  • Realise on route to town you did not bring your purse with you.
  • Continue to town having agreed with the OH he will buy you them. Start trying on boots and discover that socks are brown (broken leaky water boot remember) borrow OHs socks.
  • Find pair you like with amazing discount on – #win
  • Discover a loose stitch in one boot which rubs your heal. Decide you will fix this at home (the discount is worth it) blag further discount due to loose stitch. Cause mass chaos at the tills whilst 3 store staff trying to process the additional discount.
  • LeaveOH and go to visit relatives and play with two young nieces (3 and 6 years old).
  • Take them for a short walk.
  • Head home. Watch in horror as littlest niece falls while skipping and puts teeth through lips! Despite best efforts to comfort… carry screaming child home.
  • Sort Tea.
  • Finally get screaming child to stop scream.
  • Have other niece announce (rather proudly) her wobbley tooth has just fallen out.
  • Try to find loose an appropriate safe place to put tooth.

Sunday:

  • Take dog for a short walk
  • Do weekly shop
  • Take dog for a longer walk, which includes some training
  • Make lunch.
  • Impress yourself with uber organisation skills and make a flask to take with you when you head out.
  • Ensure flask leaks so you throw hot tea over yourself not once but twice.
  • Get back and start to cook tea.
  • Mid way through cooking have cupboard fall of wall onto you.
  • Stop cooking, empty cupboard, move tea out of the way whilst the OH tries to pull the other half of the cupboard off the wall.
  • Succeed and resume cooking.

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So how was your weekend?