Are you having fun yet?

So I have taken the decision to do something positive for me.

I am not alone in admitting that I do not like my body, I will always look in the mirror and see my bad skin, my flabby tummy, my muffin top…the list goes on… and even though I know I do not look half as bad as I think I do I am not happy.

For a long time now I have wanted to do something about it.

I am not obsessed with becoming a size 8 or hitting a target weight. Scales were banned in my house when my Dad learned he would be living with 3 woman and so not only have I never known my weight, but I don’t even know what my ideal weight would be – thank you Daddy! However I would like to get ready for a night out and put on what I want to wear without first studying myself to make sure I don’t look fat.
I am sure we have all seen those woman who struggle to squeeze themselves into a top/trousers/dress which is just that little bit to small and had the thought “ If you had only gone up a size or two that would have looked so much better.” I know that squeezing into something to small can make you look so much bigger and I do not want to be one of those woman.

Anyway, I digress. So I have decided to do something about it

I am going to start to bike to work.

This is something I have wanted to do for a while but due to BD being in alone for most of the day, and OH finishing work an hour before me.. I felt selfish taking that little bit of time for me.

But for weeks I have been driving to and from work in the lovely sunshine with my car windows down and thought how lovely it would be to cycle the back roads to work. Well this week I did something about it and on Monday morning I got onto my bike.

All in all the bike ride went well and I massively enjoyed it.

The journey to work is downhill so all in all it isn’t too bad.

However there was one moment when I did have to smile, well it was either smile or cry. I had been going for about 20 minutes and came to one of the few hills I have to deal with on the way into work. As I started to approach the hill it started to rain, this is the first rain we have had in months. It was so heavy I had drops forming on the brink of my helmet.

As I puffed my way up the hill, in the rain, not knowing what time I would arrive at work and being a little bit concerned about how many people would be there to witness me sweaty… in lycra… my iPod clicked onto one of my favourite tunes.

The entire way up the hill I had Nickleback shouting at me “are you having fun yet?”

Um ….what do you think??

maxresdefault

Struggling

So I have had a blog for what a couple of months now and I seem to be struggling for content. Only that isn’t really true, I am struggling with what content to share.

When I started this blog I wanted it to be about my life. A place where I could be open and honest about my past experiences, my future hopes and share my life with what I hope would become a worldwide group of friends.

I read so many brilliant blogs, as part of my job, and I saw the friendship and support they received and I wanted that for me.

The problem is that a lot of my story is wrapped up in OH. Since I first met him I knew he was something a little special. In fact I was so sure about ‘us’ that I applied for a job close to where OH worked purely on the basis it was close to where he worked.
However, a lot of the problems we are having, and the stuff I want to share about is ‘his’ story. It is tied up with his past, the way he has been treated, and things that have happened. The problem is I am very aware that the pre-stuff me if his story, not mine. Yet I don’t know how to share about the problems we are having without letting at least some of his story out.

His past is affecting my future, and I want to share that future with you, but can’t without sharing a little of his past. Do you see the circle?

OH has suffered from a past relationship.  I can see that this past suffering is affecting our relationship, in the same way that the bullying and mind games I suffered are affecting me. But as this is my blog I can share my issues and work through them… but I can’t do that with his stuff.

Yet, I am becoming more and more worried that his past is going to affect my future.
Any thoughts?

hold-on

Bloody Flies

We are INUNDATED with flies.

I have no idea where they have come from or why, but as I am sat here typing I am actually being dived bombed by a couple of the little ‘loves’ and one has just landed on my leg.

This has resulted in me becoming paranoid. I know greeting anyone, friends, family, random strangers asking me if I have found Christ, who comes to the door with a “Does my house smell” rather than the slightly more socially acceptable ‘Hello, lovely to see you please come in’.

Everyone is reassuring me that my house does not smell, which then leads me to worry it is a personal hygiene thing. You will be pleased to know it is only friends and family I have asked to “sniff” me… as I am not sure people asking me to find Christ would be a. up for it, and b. honest enough to tell me the truth if I do smell.

The situation is so bad that OH went out the other day and bought sticky fly paper which we have put everywhere you can think of and I am now checking on an hourly basis to see how many more of the flying buggers have become stuck. A slight change from when I was a child and once fell out with my father for killing a fly, which I had named and decided would be my pet…what can I say, I am an animal lover!

However, there are still more flies flying around than I am happy with and so I have taken to chasing the flies around the house with the sticky paper.

I feel I should tell you that this doesn’t always work, but it did caused much amusement when my friend decided to get in on the action.  However he had slightly dodgy aim and missed the fly he was chasing and stuck the entire sheet to my kitchen cupboard!

Any one out there have any advice on how I can get rid of them?

The dog has taken to eating them and I am not keen to go down that route!

flies

Disney got it wrong

Yep, I’m just going to come out and say it… Disney got it wrong!

Growing up I loved Disney films. Hell, who am I trying to kid, I still do love Disney –  I can’t even begin to tell you how many hours have been spent singing along to Disney songs. I know all the words, to most of the songs, and as a child my sister and I used to act along to the films as we watched them. I can still remember us both waving our bedding in the lounge as we sang “A dream is a wish your heart makes.”

I would watch the film and dream of the day I would meet my handsome prince, and we would begin our happily ever after.

In a Disney film a boy meets girl, falls in love with her, takes on a fire breathing dragon to be with her (Sleeping Beauty) and the head off happily together into the sun set.

However, how very different is the reality. In reality, a girl meets boy and falls in love with him. He claims to fall in love with her, but due to unfinished business from a previous relationship openly states he will never marry her or have kids with her.

Boy tells her to find someone better.

Girls cries herself to sleep trying to decided if he is worth giving up on the dream for. Is the totally different life she would have with him, a life which she never knew could be everything she wanted be enough for her? Or does she really want that big white dress and children of her own?

When did life get so complicated? What happened to my fairy godmother?

 

images

I respectfully disagree!

I want to get mad at someone… anyone!

So this morning started in a pretty normal way. Well except that I was stopping the evening with my folks, and they decided to wake me before my alarm at 5.30am, a time no one should see! But I was in a pretty good mood despite that.

You see OH has been away with work for the last 3 out of 4 weeks, but today he was back for the foreseeable future. I don’t sleep well when OH is not next to me. Go figure, I have slept alone for 27 years and in 7 months of living with him I no longer sleep if he is not snoring away next to me??!!

I digress!

So early start but in a good mood and than I got a phone call from him saying his work had decided he was urgently need and he would be flying out at 4am the next day.

I was gutted. I have missed him like crazy and I am tired from not sleeping and sick of doing things on my own. OH kept apologising and I kept telling him it wasn’t his fault… which it wasn’t.. but at the same I’m annoyed.

I have not planned anything for the last month because I wanted to be there for BD. I hate that he is alone so much with us both working full time and despite I am taking him for massive walks I don’t feel it is enough and I worry he is missing his dad.

Tonight I had made plans to go out with some friends, something I probably don’t do as much as I should. I know I had made plans the night OH was back but he had told me he would be tired and he was supposed to be back forever! I did make the offer to cancel, although a small part of me was relieved when he game me permission to still go, but he withdrew his offer of a lift. I’ll be honest with you, I wanted to stamp my foot like a child and the phrase “but it’s not fair” crossed my mind.

However, this is work and I don’t feel like I can get mad at him. So I said it’s fine and set about changing my plans for this evening. The new plan was arrive much earlier, don’t drink and catch an early bird meal deal.  I have also made, which involve BD, for the rest of the weekend so I am not spending another weekend alone.

So weekend planned, drive to meal out tonight, race through food and run home to spend some time with OH and avoid separate rooms (a story for another time). Tomorrow dog walk and Twilight marathon with sister, stop the night at hers with BD so I can have a glass of wine and am not spending another Saturday night in alone in front of my telly. Sunday she comes with me to a work commitment and then sister, Bd and I go to grandparents for Sunday dinner.

Just as everything was organised and I was looking forward to my new weekend plans…

Phone call from OH. The bosses have changed their minds and he isn’t going anywhere. FFS. Now I have to race about amending plans that I amended an hour or so ago and the worse part is I can’t get mad at anyone cause it’s no-ones fault! Pass the wine…

glass