Goodbye 2017, it’s been life changing!

I currently feel like all my posts start with a promise of “doing better” something I haven’t achieved in 2017, but who knows 2018 is a whole new start sole’s approach the new year with our positivity hats on. Although, in true wisdom comes with age style, I have to admit as I am becoming older I am also becoming more cynical. As much as I like to think I will wake up a completely new, significantly better person on the 1st January 2018, 30 plus years of experience tells me this will not be the case.

For example, what I should be doing right now is any of the three assignments I have due in come January, however as I find I am unsure where to start, I have decided to procrastinate and I am instead writing a blog post,  day dreaming on holidaygems.co.uk as I am determined S and I will get away next year… maybe… and watching the lion, the witch and the wardrobe: the voyage of the dawn treader. (Although I feel that should be trader?!)

Although I have to admit I am not convinced about the holiday. I desperately need one, but with the return to Uni next year, which I am having to fully fund myself, it’s looking as if it’ll be a good few years until I can afford a holiday again. It’s not just the holiday I worry about funding, occasionally S will allude to a future with me, but it’s a future I am not yet in a position to financially contribute to in any way, shape or form for the foreseeable future. it’s going to be at least three years until I am once again earning a wage, and I am worried that I have an awful lot of like to live in the next three years.

I want to go somewhere hot. I want to lie in the sun and feel myself fully relax. I don’t think I have recently, in fact I am struggling to remember the last time I relaxed. Christmas was lovely, but the weight of three assignments hung over it, and now in this no mans land between Christmas and New Year, my to-do list is about 4 sides long and I am failing to cross anything off of it. Even this attempt at getting back into blog writing feels like more of a task than a joy. There are boxes everywhere from my attempt at decluttering, which haven’t yet made it to the local charity shop and I am very much in a position whereby if someone gave me the option of walking out of my front door, away from my life, never to return again, I would.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. My life is unrecognisable from what it was a year ago. S has moved closer to me, I have found a purpose in my life and I am embarking on a career that still feels like a dream… and yet all I can do is dream about escaping it all. I long for a break and weirdly, I have recently been longing for my life as it was. I miss the job that didn’t fulfil me, but paid well. I miss the holidays I have had and I am even missing the life I had with the ex. Even though I know my life is a million times better now and my ex can’t hold a candle to the man S is, the way he treats me, the relationship we have… what’s wrong with me?

I know that I don’t want to go back. I know that my future is full of potential and my past is my past for a reason. But still.

 

 

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post. Although, between you and me I am worried they will be after their money back having read this…. You’ve heard the phrase blood from a stone, this feels like blog post from a talentless writer!

No regrets

*Another from my should have published this two months ago series. I will get better, I promise.*

Well, I’m a week into college and I have to admit the change I feel in myself is unbelievable. I’m getting up in the morning, I’m more motivated and focused than I have been in years and I feel fantastic. I’m even setting an alarm on my weekend mornings and I’m getting up and getting things done. This weekend I managed a load of laundry, some research and I baked a cake all before 10 am… I was so proud of myself! Im also going to be much earlier, this evening I stayed up “late”. A few weeks back this would have meant I’d binged watched to until two in the morning however now I’m staying up late and it’s 11.30pm.

I’m only a week in and the work load is unbelievable and it’s brought up a few concerns (mainly can I afford to not earn a decent wage for the next four or more years) and it’s lead to a few conversations with S that we shouldn’t be having although that being said we are 18 months in so maybe we should, but there is currently an awful lot of unanswered questions about what my future will look like. But one thing I can say certainly is that returning to college was the best decision I ever made.

A life changing moment

*This was written a few months ago, but because I am crazy busy I have only just gotten round to sharing it now! I know I should write a more up to date post, but I have just hit submit on a college assignment – got it in a day early, go me! – and my boiler is broken and it is getting so painfully cold in my house that typing is becoming difficult. So. please forgive me and enjoy*

Tomorrow I go to college and the fact I don’t get to talk to my dad about it sucks. He was always the go to person I told everything to and tonight I find myself in a weird situation where the one person I most want to talk to I can’t, yet if I could talk to him there would be nothing to tell him as it’s only because he died I am now in the position. Since dad died my life has changed in a way I could have never imagined and I know had he not died I wouldn’t have left my last job and be retraining and attending college but the price was awfully high.

I can’t believe what I’ve done, what I’m about to do. If everything goes to plan then I am going to start 4 years of training. That’s 4 years with no guaranteed income whilst racking up a worryingly amount of debt. Yes, an interesting fact that I learnt the other day, as his will be my second degree there is no limit on what the university can charge me and at this moment I have no idea what that figure may be. I’m excited and terrified and weirdly not as nervous about tomorrow as I thought I would be, how I feel I should be. I am a little concerned about not knowing my way around and I wonder what the other people on my course will be like, but in a way that has never happened before I know it will all be ok. I know in a months time I will know my way around, and I know that I have great friends and a fab boyfriend so it doesn’t matter whether or not I make any friends on this course. It’s a really odd feeling. I don’t know if this is what happens as you get older, or if I am very aware that having watched my dad die and then caring for my mum through a heart attack and replacement valve surgery this isn’t really a big deal. Who knows, but I do know that tomorrow my life goes in a whole other direction. Wish me luck!

“I’ve got this…”

I don’t know if you’re unlucky enough to know this, but when someone is dying you are advised to try and persuade them to die. Apparently, a lot of people will try to hang on and fight death and so you are encouraged to reassure them; tell them that you will be fine without them, tell them that you love them and it’s ok for them to go…

We had to do this for dad, my chosen phrase became “I’ve got this”. In his final days, when it was just the two of us in the room, I would whisper to him “It’s ok dad, you’ve got to go… I’ll take over where you are leaving off… I’ll look after mum…I’ll look after my sister… I’ve got this”

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It’s been almost a year and a half since dad died and whereas some of my life has never been better. My family is falling apart. My relationship with my mum is solid, but it turns out that the close family I thought I had, the one I was so proud to be a part of, well it was all a lie.

My aunty who had a go at me a few months back hasn’t spoken to me since that incident. She has been up to see my mum a couple of times, but if there is a chance I will. be around she won’t come close. She is intentionally avoiding me. And, the bit that really hurts, is she isn’t even asking after me to find out how I am. It’s like she doesn’t care. The woman who for 30 years I would describe as “like a second mother’ has for all intents and purposes cut me out of her life.

It hurts.

And over the last few weeks my sister has been really off with me. I send her a message, she doesn’t reply. I try to call, she doesn’t pick up. I suggested S and I pop round to see her and I somehow almost start world war 3. And now she appears to be taking a page out of my aunties book and she is just ignoring me. The three of us (mum, her and I) are in a group chat and all evening she has responded to the messages my mother posts, but I try and join in the conversation by asking her a question and she stops replying. I sent her a message yesterday saying “I’m beginning to worry you don’t like me” and she hasn’t replied.

It hurts.

I know I am not perfect and I will have made mistakes dealing with everything over the last few years, but what have I done that sees me ostrocised from my family?

I know when my aunty had a go at me it was because she was looking to displace her own guilt but how has that made me the baddie, who she wants no contact with or news about?

I think my sister is unimpressed that I have stopped taking on so many weekends with my mum, as I know see her two days a week and one evening keeping my weekends free to see S. But I don’t see how that has gotten to the point where she is refusing to talk to me at all?

I used to think I was from a big, lovely supportive family. Now my reality is very different. And, because of the bullying I worry that it is me. That I am some evil bitch that no one wants in their lives. That people try and escape from as soon as they see a way out. I always valued myself as a kind, supportive friend and although my sister and I would fight like cats and dogs I thought we would always have each others back. How could I have been so wrong?

All my life I have been terrified of doing things by myself. I felt like I needed someone else with me, a sounding board, to ensure I was making the right decisions and wouldn’t get lost. However, now I am wondering if I was kidding myself, have I always been alone? Are my mum and dad the only people who liked me and did my other family members only put up with me to make them happy?

It could only happen to me

You would not believe the day I have just had and it started off so well!

Just before dad died I properly got, a little bit. addicted to yoga. Every lunchbreak I would take my mat somewhere quiet and spend a little half an hour focusing on me, usually with the help of Adriene and then I full on went yoga addict and treated myself to some private sessions. I only go once a fortnight, but it costs. It is just me and it is a very much a luxury, not a necessity, but as I am so bad at carving out me time I suck up the cost and have cereal for tea that night. Anyway, since becoming a career and returning to college money is tight, and these yoga sessions are very much on my radar as maybe a treat too far. Especially when I know I am struggling to practice outside of class. I am not getting better, in fact I think I am getting worse. So, I have told myself either I do more ‘at home’ practice or the lessons go.

This morning I got out of bed early and did 30 minutes of yoga, with the help of lovely Adriene. I then got Poppy out for her hourly run around while I had breakfast. Had a shower and was ready to leave my house by 8.30 for my day out with mum. Which, considering I am not a morning person, and I am on holiday, being ready for 8.30am was a miracle.

My day started well.

I got to Mums, got her ready and we set out for the day. We were ready to go for about 10am (a personnal record for us both) and then it just started to go so very, very wrong.

About 6 months ago, Mum treated herself to a new car, it is amazing, very pretty and very much all singing and all dancing. However, it also does this annoying thing where it flashes and beeps a warning whenever there is a tiny issue with the car, or it thinks you are going to crash, or you cross lanes without indicating (I wish more cars had that last feature!) The day before it had warned us the pressure in the front tyres were a bit low and so, because I am an awesome independent woman, I have my own digital tyre pump-er-up-er which I had brought with me to fix the problem.

It wouldn’t work. It kept cutting out at a pressure lower than the pressure I needed… I wondered if the fault was with mums’ car, as I have had this handy gadget for years, so I decided to test the pressure on my tyres to check it was working. That was a mistake and I know have S coming down this weekend to sort my tyres.

Anyway, as we were travelling in mums’ car we headed to the local Tesco to use their pump, before heading off to enjoy the day at the White Rose shopping centre. However, it is true what they say about best laid plans…

I couldn’t get the pump to work. Well that’s not entirely true, it worked on one tyre but rather than pumping up the second tyre it just let all the air out, until there was hardly any air left in there. I had to go for help. Half an hour and three members of staff later we realised that the pump had broken, an hour later people were discussing pickup trucks, I had lost my ‘productive morning glow’ and instead was covered in oil. I had just about given up all hope when I went around to put the air cap on the other tyre and realised part of the fastening from the pump was still attached to that tyre… oops.

Two hours after pulling into the garage we finally set off.

However, the day wasn’t a complete waste. Although much later then intended, mum and I did get to the White Rose, and we shopped as if our lives depending on it. I bought Christmas presents and treated myself to a reduced top from Outfit and mum treated me to an early birthday present. Now all I need to do is find a way to justify buying this coat I am in love with from Lyst and I will officially mark this day a success.