I currently feel like all my posts start with a promise of “doing better” something I haven’t achieved in 2017, but who knows 2018 is a whole new start sole’s approach the new year with our positivity hats on. Although, in true wisdom comes with age style, I have to admit as I am becoming older I am also becoming more cynical. As much as I like to think I will wake up a completely new, significantly better person on the 1st January 2018, 30 plus years of experience tells me this will not be the case.
For example, what I should be doing right now is any of the three assignments I have due in come January, however as I find I am unsure where to start, I have decided to procrastinate and I am instead writing a blog post, day dreaming on holidaygems.co.uk as I am determined S and I will get away next year… maybe… and watching the lion, the witch and the wardrobe: the voyage of the dawn treader. (Although I feel that should be trader?!)
Although I have to admit I am not convinced about the holiday. I desperately need one, but with the return to Uni next year, which I am having to fully fund myself, it’s looking as if it’ll be a good few years until I can afford a holiday again. It’s not just the holiday I worry about funding, occasionally S will allude to a future with me, but it’s a future I am not yet in a position to financially contribute to in any way, shape or form for the foreseeable future. it’s going to be at least three years until I am once again earning a wage, and I am worried that I have an awful lot of like to live in the next three years.
I want to go somewhere hot. I want to lie in the sun and feel myself fully relax. I don’t think I have recently, in fact I am struggling to remember the last time I relaxed. Christmas was lovely, but the weight of three assignments hung over it, and now in this no mans land between Christmas and New Year, my to-do list is about 4 sides long and I am failing to cross anything off of it. Even this attempt at getting back into blog writing feels like more of a task than a joy. There are boxes everywhere from my attempt at decluttering, which haven’t yet made it to the local charity shop and I am very much in a position whereby if someone gave me the option of walking out of my front door, away from my life, never to return again, I would.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. My life is unrecognisable from what it was a year ago. S has moved closer to me, I have found a purpose in my life and I am embarking on a career that still feels like a dream… and yet all I can do is dream about escaping it all. I long for a break and weirdly, I have recently been longing for my life as it was. I miss the job that didn’t fulfil me, but paid well. I miss the holidays I have had and I am even missing the life I had with the ex. Even though I know my life is a million times better now and my ex can’t hold a candle to the man S is, the way he treats me, the relationship we have… what’s wrong with me?
I know that I don’t want to go back. I know that my future is full of potential and my past is my past for a reason. But still.
Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post. Although, between you and me I am worried they will be after their money back having read this…. You’ve heard the phrase blood from a stone, this feels like blog post from a talentless writer!