Missing you

I miss my dad.

Going back to college has been harder than I thought. The course is amazing and I’m loving every moment of it, but not picking up the phone at the end of the day to tell my dad about it is killing me. I hate that I am not able to tell him the new things I am learning, or the old stuff I am relearning. I don’t get to see that proud look on his face, as. share the news that I have been made class representative.

It’s so hard.

He was the one I would pick the phone up to first, he was my go to person when I was stressed, scared, happy or sad and, as I was reminded this week, he was also the one I’d call when I’d have call mum and been unhappy with her response. I can’t remember exactly what the phone call was about, I think I was stressing about the work load and deadlines and rather than telling me it would all be fine, we ended up discussing her needs and where I would fit in visiting her. Dad always got where I was coming from, he was selfless and gave me permission to put myself first. Something I am struggling to do since he died.

Yesterday was a big day. It was Ss dads’ birthday (I am not 100% certain that ‘ is in the right place, we just did a lesson on where you place commas and although I thought I got it at the time, now I am not so sure.  I digress) S bought a card. Now to most people this might seem an obvious thing to do on someones’ birthday, but S is very much anti-card and the fact he bought one means a lot. In fact it was such a surprise that his entire family commented on the fact that S had, possibly for the first time in his adult life, bought his dad a card.

Anyway, S and I are in the card shop and he picks up a “happy birthday dad” card and it killed me. This isn’t the first time I’ve been into a card shop since dad died, but until now I have given the whole section a very wide birth. Even S letting me sign the card, and the whole overanalyse that should be carried out in this situation, well at least in my head, couldn’t distract me. I am never going to send my dad a birthday card ever again. I am never going to buy him a present or open up my front door to see him standing there, or hear his voice down the end of the line, or feel one of those massive hugs he would give me that made the entire world a little bit easier to bear. He’s never going to look after me when he is sick, or comfort me when I am crying and it breaks my heart.

But worse than that is all the possible future stuff that he is going to miss out on. Dad never met S. They nearly did, once. But S backed out. It was only a month or two into us dating and what was going to be a quiet ‘meet the folks’ turned into an ‘meet the entire extended family’ so he backed out. The plan was he would meet just my mum and dad another time, but then dad got so ill it wasn’t fair to him. S wouldn’t have met my real dad, just the shell of the person he had become and my dad was struggling to put on a brave face for those of us who knew and loved him. I wasn’t prepared to let him put himself through the effort and stress.

It’s now been 22 months since S and I went on our first date, and I am hopeful that one day there will be a wedding and children and a life together. But I hate that I am going to have to do all that without my dad. My dad was such a family man, and my mum, my sister and I were his world – devoted, we the term used at his funeral. All he ever wanted was to see us happy and it’s not fair he will miss out on so many of those happy moments. He was so young, and so good. He didn’t deserve this.

It’s just not fair. I want him back!

I tried to do something nice

I’m currently in the middle of a fight with S. we’ve reached that really mature part where we are both sat in silence waiting for the other to break the deadlock and, as it’s always me who gives in and speaks first, I have decided that this time it will be him. The problem I have is a think the guy can even our stubborn me, so in an attempt to distract myself while I wait for him to blink first I’m writing a blog post!

So I bet you all want to know what has happened in our world to get to this deadlock, well I will tell you. I want to take S out to celebrate his graduation (which he’s refused to attend so I am literally planning to take him to the chippy on what would be his graduation day evening) and he doesn’t want to.  He is so mad at me for planning something and not respecting his wishes.

Part of the problem is I want it to be a surprise and so I won’t tell him what’s planned. Meanwhile I think he thinks I’m planning on taking him out for a four course gourmet meal and he is arguing I can’t afford to spend money on him.  Which I can’t. My overdraft is my new best friend since returning to college and I am barely affording groceries for the week.

We’ve been arguing around this point for the best part of an hour and now we are sat in silence… it’s so nice being in a mature relationship!

I’m just worried he’s going to look back and regret his decision. He doesn’t put himself forward enough. He will do without so that someone else has… which is very similar to how my dad was. I just wanted to do something nice for him, put him first for a change and show him how much he means to me.

Op he just spoke. I won!

However, the conclusion of the fight is that I have given in completely. No putting him first. No celebration. No nothing… I can’t help but feel in the scheme of things I just lost!

The Wedding

Sometimes I can’t help but feel I’m my own worst enemy. We were invited to a wedding, well S was. He was asked to be best man this time last year. I can remember the exact moment he told me. We were on a date walking across a field, I’d gotten us completely lost and S hadn’t twigged this factor yet. Anyway, when he told me my first thought was “I wonder if I will get to go with him” and for the following 8 months I did that thing where I would nonchalantly ask about the wedding secretly hoping S would tell me I was going with him. Then we got the invite and I couldn’t contain my excitement and joy when it came with my name on it alongside his.

Sadly, since receiving the invite I have spent far too much time making this occasion into a much grander occasion than it was. I decided that, with a few drinks in him, and me dressed to impress at some point, mid drunken sway on the dance floor, S would look at me and tell me how much he loves me and how he couldn’t imagine his life without me. I didn’t want a proposal, but so sort if affirmation of his feelings would have been nice. But now the weddings over and he hasn’t looked at that way that I’ve spent months imagining he will. He didn’t even drink so the drunken cuddling and making out on the dance floor, wrapped up in ourselves and not caring who saw us, didn’t happen and, despite having a really lovely day, now that I’m at home taking off my make up and unzipping my dress I’ve spent a week or two dieting into to I can’t help but feel a little deflated.

When does it get to be my turn? Why doesn’t that little girl whose spent her whole life dreaming of being a bride and having her dad walk her down the isle get her one wish? I don’t think it’s a big wish. I didn’t ask for much in life. Heck as I get older I’m even open to the fact it doesn’t even have to be forever. I just want someone to look at me and think I’m worth it. I hate how much I want this. I should be quite happy living my life and if marriage and kids aren’t in my future then so be it, but when a wife and mother is the only thing you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember it’s not that easy. I loved today and it was so great witnessing two people start a life together but when does that get to be me?

Case of the Ex

Sometimes I can’t help but feel sorry for S. As much as I try I know he sometimes gets the rough end of the stick, and I find myself getting grumpy because he’ll do something that reminds me of my exes and suddenly the little voice says “don’t fall for this again… don’t be taken advantage of…”.

But the thing that gets me is that I seem to be the only one whose working on it and I can’t sometimes help but feel like I’m getting a rough ride because of the stuff S was put through and he doesn’t seem to be aware that we can’t let our exes into this relationship.

However, on the positive there are a whole heap of times when I am reminded that S isn’t in fact one of my exes. Take for example this moment right now. You may or may not have noticed but over the last few weeks I have been pushing out a couple of blog posts that I wrote over the summer, when I still needed to blog but with an old lap top and no time the posts got written but not published. However finally I am in a place where I have time to do some bulk uploading of posts, and once again there may be a little bit of procrastinatin in there as well, so I am cleaning out my blog email inbox and that includes publishing a load of draft posts.

I am currently doing this with S on the phone to me. He has had a bad day and so rang me to vent. I have done the supportive thing for a good half an hour and so now I am doing the busy, trying to be productive as I need to head out in a minute thing, while he sits in traffic listening to me type. Anyway, I was struggling to come up with a picture to go with the first half of this posts and so I asked S and he didn’t react. There was no kicking off about the tone, or the fact I was writing about him, or even that I am telling the internet and the world (although he is aware I don’t have that many readers!) about the fact I don’t think we have dealt with our exes. All he has done is come up with suggestions for a header image.

I know that from time to time I worry about the damage my ex has done to me, however I know that getting out of that relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me as it has allowed me to meet someone pretty great.

Spoiler alert, never did find a new header image so went with this old one instead.

Missing my Dad

It’s just gone midnight and it’s now officially Father’s Day, and it’s my first one without my Dad. Being honest I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing, I thought I’d be fine and I thought it would be hell. I thought the months of adverts would have numbed me to the day, I thought the fact I miss him all day, every day would mean that today wouldn’t be anything significant but now that it’s arrived I’m sat here in tears not sure what tomorrow will bring.

It shouldn’t have been like this, that’s the thing I still can’t get over. He was so young and strong. There was so much he deserved to see, future events he should be here for and it’s not just big events but smaller ones too. Tomorrow I’m cooking dinner for my grandparents and I should be setting a place for him as well. On the 24th June it will be one year since he died and I’ve had enough already, I want him back. All I can see in front of me are years and years without him in my life and I just wonder how I’m going to get through them, I’ve had enough of being strong and doing the right thing. I just want to sit down in one spot and throw a tantrum refusing to move until my dad is returned to me.

Today I went to one of those unity events in memory of Jo Cox and while there this young girl became upset and ran around screaming for her Daddy, when she spotted him she raced straight into his arms and suddenly everything was ok for her. I envied her so much, my Dad was my rock and always made everything better. He was my friend, my role model and I am honoured to be his daughter, I know if I can be half the person he was then I will leave this world a better place. He was amazing. He was my Dad and I want him back.