She stepped up… I think

Dad has been taken back into hospital, this has come as a complete surprise to me as for the last few days I genuinely thought he had turned a corner. He had started to get out of bed under his own motivation and he was slowly starting to eat more. Heck, he even cracked a joke when I went to see him last night.

His improvements had also freed me up to start thinking about spending some time back at mine. I had lined up carers, left them with a fridge full of food.. the plan was they survived 24 hours and then I would see them on Sat and my sister had even volunteered to move in this weekend and care for them. I had made plans for tonight and tomorrow I was looking forward to a night at mine vegging out and catching up on some TV shows which I love but my folks refuse to let me watch at theirs.

On hearing the news that Dad was going back into hospital my immediate thought was I need to cancel tonight and to be honest I was gutted. I have been trying to move home since Monday night but every time I go to leave something happens that just ends up making it easier to stay.

Mum assured me she would be fine, and I told her I would cancel if I needed to.

Then I get a message from my sister “we will move in from tonight!”

Brilliant, I thought. It means I can still do everything I need too, and it was nice to see her step up for once.

I went back saying “thanks, I would really appreciate that” since then I have heard nothing, and it has to make me wonder if her motivation is less to do with wanting to help Mum and Dad out, but more to do with keeping me away.

I know it shouldn’t matter, and to be honest if it gives me a night off without needing to worry about how my Mum is coping, then does the reason why she is doing it matter? It helps me out as I don’t have to cancel all the plans I had made for tonight, but the gut feeling that it has more to do about keeping me away has really unsettled me.

Capture you

Well I thought it was exciting

I am very lucky to have had another lovely weekend! It involved an errand running Saturday which ended with my stopping the nights with my folks, drinking wine and watching the new Hitchcock film (which I really enjoyed and would recommend you see!) and then on Sunday my sister and her bloke descended to cook us a cooked breakfast  – which in itself is a huge treat because the last time I had a cooked breakfast was exactly a year ago. I remember as it was the day the ex and I headed to France on our ‘make or break’ holiday – yep I’ve almost been single for an entire year! Anyway, I’m sure I will touch on that in a later post! (I hear you waiting with bated breath!) Anywho…

After the breakfast we all piled into the car as we were attending my Great Aunt and Uncles 50th Wedding Anniversary Celebrations. It was the most lovely day, good food, good wine (perhaps a little too much), my sister is currently complaining about her ‘wine head’ that started at 10pm last night! It was a chance to meet up with family members that I haven’t seen for far too many years (the last one was 4 years ago) and we took the obligatory photos adding in different levels of the family as we grew. It was one of those days that made me proud of my roots and desperate to strengthen the family bonds that we share.

However, today I want to tell you about the fun and games we had before the ‘event’ itself. You see the event was a good 3 hour drive away from my mum and dads house. I know for some of you that live in more exotic lands 3 hours may not seem that far, but for me from little old England a 3 hour journey is quite an undertaking. To allow time for traffic we set off giving ourselves about 5 hours to get there. You see Dad had been on the internet and so he knew that there was a nice garden center only a junction away from the restaurant that this meet up was taking place in. So we had a plan, get down there and then potter around the garden center and treat ourselves to a coffee out.

I will admit we did look a site all walking into the garden center in our Sunday best. I don’t know many people who go garden shopping in high heels with a clutch bag but on Sunday I did…..or at least I would have had the power not gone off in the garden center about 5 minutes after we arrived forcing the staff to remove everyone from the store.

Luckily, on getting into the store Mum and I had made a bee-line for the toilets and so we at least got to ‘spend a penny’ before being kicked out, my sister bless her however was not as lucky and spent the entire time stood out side the store with her legs crossed. But don’t worry, I was a lovely big sister and was sure to point out all the water features that were within sight and offer her a mouthful of my bottle of water every few minutes!

Although it was not my sisters ‘need’ that caused the most merriment as we stood outside the store. No you see everyone was laughing at me. The moments the lights had gone off Mum and I were in the disabled toilet and we thought the lights had gone out because we had been in there too long  – seriously, you have no idea how shoddy disabled toilets are until you attempt to use them when you have a disability, the stories I could (and might) tell. So we assumed this was just another shoddy toilet and that the lights were motion censored and just hadn’t been set for long enough. So in an attempt to turn the lights I started to do laps of the disabled loo. I must have done at least 10 laps of the loo before giving it up as a bad job.

I appreciate that it probably is one of those ‘had to be there moments’ but it didn’t half make us laugh!

Comfortably numb

Well I did it. I have no idea how, but somehow I have been through the worst weekend of my life and come out the other size breathing.

I was in complete denial all day Friday, most of Saturday and part of me still is. One of the key points of this denial, was when at 3pm on Sunday I turned to my dad and said “It has only just hit me that once we have packed up the van, I am going to be coming with you to leave the house.” Yep, I had packed up my entire life and yet still managed to not comprehend that I would be leaving my house, my life, me behind….

I know it sounds very dramatic, but even sat here now I am shaking. I walked into the office this morning and burst into tears, because my drive to work was the drive that I would take to get back to my home. Only this time I turned off two exits two soon. As I pulled into work I scanned the hill line in front of me trying to see my little house (which I know is not going to happen, but I still had to look). When I was being driven away from my house at 4.56pm I watched it until trees blocked my view….

I know that time will heal me, I know that we couldn’t have gone on as we were, but I am now in limbo. We had a holiday planned for December and I was hoping that I would come back with a ring. Yep, shows how unaware I was that he was cycling home every evening to me in tears – apparently. My only complaint was that was sometimes he was grumpy and insensitive. However the highs made up for any of the rubbish.

I have been thinking hard over the last few months if this was the right relationship for me, and I have decided yes. He is the man I want, my future is with him, he is “the one”. But when he walked out our, now his, front door all he could say to me was that he didn’t know how he felt. He has some issues from past relationships that have screwed him up, and he has to deal with those alone. Once he has dealt with that he will decide if he comes back or if we go our separate ways. At the moment he has a deadline of new years eve to decide – I can’t put my life on hold forever!!

However, for the near future my life is on hold. I have decided that he can drop BD off at my parents house next Monday and I will give him back my key and some of his things I borrowed when I left, a book and a DVD. The negative to this is I am now counting down the minutes until I will see him again. Right or wrong, I don’t want to stop loving him, not yet, not until I have to.

I haven’t been fully happy in my job for a while, everyone is beyond lovely, but I am ready for a new challenge. Before this happened I was watching the clock at work waiting for the minutes to pass until I could race home and see them both. I lived for the evenings and weekends. Now I don’t have that, so I guess the question is in the next few months what do I live for?

letgo

p.s Please do not worry, this is not my goodbye to the world, I am not considering harming myself!

P.P.S I would like to say a great big thank you to two very amazing people Clowie and Mollie and Alfie (Ok, technically three but two blogs so ha) although we have only ever met through online this weekend you have all been amazing and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know – thank you!!!

 

How not to loose weight!

I want to start off by pointing out that despite once being identified as obese by a doctor (different rant, another time) I know that I am not fat and don’t have a particularly bad body. In fact since I started to cycle to work I have never felt healthier and happier in my body.

I average a UK size 10 – 12 depending on the store I am shopping in. Occasionally I will fit into a size 8, which results in my immediately buying it regardless of what the item is, whether or not I need the item and regardless of whether or not I like the item. Occasionally I will need a size 14 which results in a walk out of the shop vowing never to return – just me?!

Annoyingly I come from a skinny family, my mother complains about size 6 clothes hanging off her and my little sister has to force feed herself ice-cream and chocolate to stay a size 6/8 (I know) so I have always been aware I am the ‘fat’ one, who has on many occasions disregarded every item in my wardrobe because no matter what I put on I look feel fat and you can see my muffin top.

I think it’s why I love shoes – generally they don’t let you down and almost always fit!

The annoying thing about my body is that by ranging between a 10 – 12, I am actually a size 11. Size 10s give me a slight muffin top and (sorry guys) if it is that time of the month they can be a bit tight and sometimes a top button gets undone. However the size 12s grow as they are warn and so end up hanging off me. I feel thin but scruffy and sometimes the loose clothing can result in adding on weight making me look fatter than I am which is never a good look!

Before the holiday I was on a bit of a health kick, cycling into work daily and so really fought against buying any new clothes until I had lost the weight, toned up and could always comfortably fit a 10. However my one generous pair of trousers had other ideas and fell apart before I went away (you can only hide that there is only 1 out of 4 buttons remaining on your trousers for so long) So I went into my local store and bought a pair of trousers that I knew would be big, baggy and fit me regardless of the date (sorry again guys, unless that meaning was missed in which case sorry for pointing it out!)

On my return from holiday broken hearted (melodramatic but true!) knowing I will have put on some weight. I took an educated guess that after 2 weeks of living on pain au chocolat for breakfast, red wine, good great food and reduced exercise, I couldn’t face the idea of squeezing into a pair of my smaller trousers which may or may not still fit. So I reached for the larger ones, which are being very well behaved and hanging off my hips giving the impression of a toned, tanned stomach. However this means that I am currently eating everything and anything I can get my hands on to distract my mind. I have single handily eaten the majority of biscuits I bought back from France for the office, I have eaten the chocolates offered round, the biscuits which were accidentally left open before holiday, treated myself to a couple of after lunch hot chocolates, puddings, a glass of wine or three….. the list goes on.

On the positive getting all the weight off will keep my mind occupied when I finally move out, but it isn’t going to be as much fun without my furry work out companion….. O and by that I mean BD not OH!!

Oops,

men hating

Struggling

So I have had a blog for what a couple of months now and I seem to be struggling for content. Only that isn’t really true, I am struggling with what content to share.

When I started this blog I wanted it to be about my life. A place where I could be open and honest about my past experiences, my future hopes and share my life with what I hope would become a worldwide group of friends.

I read so many brilliant blogs, as part of my job, and I saw the friendship and support they received and I wanted that for me.

The problem is that a lot of my story is wrapped up in OH. Since I first met him I knew he was something a little special. In fact I was so sure about ‘us’ that I applied for a job close to where OH worked purely on the basis it was close to where he worked.
However, a lot of the problems we are having, and the stuff I want to share about is ‘his’ story. It is tied up with his past, the way he has been treated, and things that have happened. The problem is I am very aware that the pre-stuff me if his story, not mine. Yet I don’t know how to share about the problems we are having without letting at least some of his story out.

His past is affecting my future, and I want to share that future with you, but can’t without sharing a little of his past. Do you see the circle?

OH has suffered from a past relationship.  I can see that this past suffering is affecting our relationship, in the same way that the bullying and mind games I suffered are affecting me. But as this is my blog I can share my issues and work through them… but I can’t do that with his stuff.

Yet, I am becoming more and more worried that his past is going to affect my future.
Any thoughts?

hold-on